I am alive

I havent been a good blogger and honestly I completely suck at telling people my feelings.  I have been really struggling the past seven months.  Subbing was hard.  I have sucked at losing weigh. I have hated life and have thought about harming myself and I hate being single.  I feel like I have no friends and I just feel like the whole world hates me.  I never found a teaching job once again and I think honestly God hates me.  I hate myself and everything that my life means.  I dont know why I bother to do anything anymore.

Why bother

I have nothing really to report. I still sub, I still am single and I still live at home. I really have no friends and I really am so tired of trying. No one likes me.

Pondering Life

My life has been quite a blur lately. Weather is getting a bit better so I'm starting to run more outside.  Been busy with subbing, church choir Easter Play, Axiom, Roots, babysitting, tutoring. Sometimes I feel like I dont have any time for myself :( I so wanna go on a vacation or a road trip. I want a tattoo. I want to chop my hair off, pack a few bags and just move out West.  I so wish that I had a full-time teaching job. Last Wednesday I had a teaching interview for the fall. Ill hear more in the beginning of May.  I am crossing my fingers, toes, legs, arms and I laid it at the foot of the cross.  Been feeling very lonely lately. Mom is dating and she is never home between jobs and him.  I totally have been feeling like an orphan a lot lately. I really dont have a lot of friends. Most of the girls I adore are all younger than me.  It really stinks.  Not really sure what else to write about. My life is very boring and life-less.

My life

I am sorry I took such a long long break.  Rest of Sept and Oct was spent housesitting, subbing, running, and trying to enjoy life.  

November was busy with subbing, youth group stuff and church things.  December I subbed 12 days, shopped, baked, hung out with friends and enjoyed the holidays.  

January I dealt with only subbing 9 days, a million inches of snow/ice/below zero temperatures and so many snow days I thought I was going insane.  

So far this month Ive subbed, tried to work out, babysat and that is about it.  Im tired of snow, cold weather, ice, shoveling, and feeling like a hermit.

I honestly may start blogging more.  I am starting to feel like I dont have any friends. I feel lost. I still love Jesus but I am tired of feeling sad/depressed.  I am losing my appetite and my motivation to do anything.  Heck I would LOVE to be able to move out of my moms and to have my own classroom but at this rate I feel like Ill never get it.  

Belize.House-sitting.blind dates.subbing.my life in general

I'm sorry that I took an almost 2 month break.  I just wanted to wrap my head around what happened in Belize and honestly it was seriously a trip that I will never forget. This may be a LONG post but just bear with me.

Belize: July 22nd, we drove to Detroit and then ate dinner at Applebees. We woke up Tuesday and hit the airport.  We had some issues and we almost missed our flight. We had to run through the airport and it was insane!!  We had a a layover in Dallas and then landed in Belize City. Our bus ride to Unitedville was about two hours. The whole bus ride was pretty quiet.  Looking at our surroundings and soaking it all in.  Wednesday morning we ate breakfast and then went back to the church and make some bags of food we were going to distribute to some families in a Mayan village.  We did that for about 4 hours and then we had a VBS with the children in the village. It was insane!! Singing, dancing, bible story, giggles, animal balloons, candies going all over and it was so fun! We had church that night.  Thursday we went back to the same village to hand out some more food and pray for families.  We got some ice cream and then headed back to clean up and get ready for church that night. We went back to the village we were at the last two days and went to church.  We were late and the music reminded me of music you here in a Mexican restaurant.  Friday we stayed at the church and worked there all day doing different things-rock road, staining doors, strapping floors, plastering, shoveling.  We had youth group that night.  Saturday we split up as a team and some of us stayed at the church, while me and a few others went to a village and separated rocks from dirt.  I fell and hurt my knee. It was a lot of hard work but it was rewarding.  It was very very hot that day as well.  That night we all just hung out in the church and played games as a group.  Sunday we had morning service, where I was one of three who gave my testimony. Every service we had, someone from our team gave their testimony. We hung out after church and then went to the village some of us were at Saturday for church Sunday night. I had a lot of kids hanging all over me. It was so hard to hear that the children in this village basically dont get loved on, so when mission teams from American come into this village the children eat up the love.  Monday we had our free day--we went zip-lining, repelling, and cave-tubing. It was a lot of fun.  Tuesday we did some last minute shopping and then headed home.
August 4-11 I was the responsible adult for the music pastors oldest daughter. It was a lot of fun. We hung out, even went to the fair that was in town that week.  August 15th I went on a blind date with a guy name Brett. It was a lot of fun.  We ended up going out again on August 23rd.  Schools around here started on August 26th and I have subbed four times since school started.  Labor day weekend I did nothing but just hang out at home.
Running is going alright.  Still struggling with seeing myself as beautiful and such but I'm working on it.  Not dating anyone right now and just waiting to see if I will get a part-time job that I had an interview at.  Living at home is kind of rough, but I guess I will eventually get to have a big-girl job and will be able to afford to move out.
Been having some health issues and I have a blood clot forming behind my left eye.  Kind sucks.  I have to go back to the eye doctor in a month.

Hopping on a plane tomorrow morning!!!

VBS was seriously SOOOOO fun!!! The last night we had 150 kiddos!!! The kids brought in OVER 500 dollars for offering and so Elisa, Shane and Pastor Sam became a human sundae!!!

This past week I housesat/cat-sat and then was the responsible adult for two teenage girls.  Can we just say whoa?!  Monday we just watched movies all day. Tuesday, Laura and I did some stuff for church and then I left that evening to go to Cincinnati because Wednesday I had a teaching interview--which I didnt get.  Wednesday I came back and then hung out with my friend Jayce that evening.  Thursday I cried and basically there was drama.  UGH.  I also went swimming that day!  Friday I hung out with my friend Becki and then went to a bonfire with some of my friends(can I just say hanging out with 5 couples was a little weird?!)  Saturday I finished packing, helped one of the girls going get a bathing suit, and then hung out with a few kiddos that night.  Yesterday I went to church, went to lunch with a few people, baked, went to a pool party for some of the youth groups small groups.  Today is the day...at 4:30 I am getting dropped off at the church and will make my way up to Detroit to stay the night!  Tomorrow morning I will hop on the plane and we will make our way to Belize!!!  OMYGOSH! I can't believe I am leaving for my mission trip...EEEEKkkkkkkkkkk!!!! I am SOOOOOO excited! I barely slept last night!!!!! Please pray for me!!!

Interviews.Babysitting.4th of July!.2 weeks till Belize!

Cj's mom's funeral was very rough for me. I cried. I went to the cemetery and it was hard for me.  My dad was cremated so it was weird to see a friend's parent buried.

Father's day was my fifth one without my dad and it was hard this year.  June honestly was a rough month for me. I think I honestly cried every day that month. It was just a very emotional month.

The 17th, 19th and 21st I had three interviews for teaching jobs...but I didnt get any of the jobs :/  Super big bummer :/  I went to a ton of grad parties in June as well!

The 23rd I went to a cook out at Tim and Megs.  The 29th I went to a wedding and then the 30th I went to a birthday party for Tim and Meg's kiddos. That was super fun to attend.

July 4th I went to my friend's house and hung out with a huge group of people, eating, and having a great time.  Sunday I went to a baby shower and then we had Water Wars for the youth group.  I am still sore from playing some of the games with the jr. high and high schoolers!!!

This week is VBS at my church!! Last night we had 139 kiddos there for it!!  This weekend I really don't have any plans so hopefully I can do some cleaning and packing.  I have 2 weeks from today till I leave for Belize on my mission trip.  Can I just say that I am STOKED for it! I am so ready to see the Lord wreck and rock my world/relationship with Him.  Please be praying for that.  This week is just filled with VBS and babysitting. Next week I am housesitting and then its off to Belize!!!

Working out is going so so. I am starting to lose some motivation in it though :/  My relationship with the Lord is kind of stuck and I hope that soon I can get out of this rut.  No boy in my life :(  Which is heart breaking because I want to be in a relationship with a Godly man. Just praying I find him soon.

Heart Break...sleep overs...running...

On the 19th my church had a Single Mother's Luncheon. My mom went to it and honestly said that she liked it. I helped served drinks.  It was a great outreach!!

I had a few more days of subbing but Im done for the summer!  I am babysitting and not making a lot, but you know its okay. I know the Lord will provide for me!

I tried Pen O X or whatever it is for P90X and let me tell you I was sore for like a WEEK!! It was nuts!! I am still running, still doing strength training and I am actually doing the 30 day squat challenge right now. I am actually two days behind at the moment and later in this post Ill tell you why.

I went to a Bachelorette party on the 1st and it was a lot of fun! Dinner and bowling.  The 2nd I went to a grad party.

This week has been a whirl wind of a rough week so to speak.  Monday evening I was leaving my friend's house and Meg had sent me two text messages..and one said that Cj's mom was killed that night. She was riding her motorcycle, following her husband, and a Jeep failed to yield and hit her.  She hit the windshield and died shortly later at the hospital.  I really haven't spoken to CJ this week, but I know that he is definitely hiding his feelings.  I went to the showing last night. The funeral is today at 11.  I know that we aren't dating anymore, but I still care for him. His mom was so incredibly sweet to me and she was a dear lady.  I will definitely miss her hugs and her sweet personality. I have been taking this really hard. And I honestly think it is because I know what it is like to lose a parent.  I really haven't had an appetite all week and basically I eat in front of people so that they know I'm eating and not being all mopey.  Please be praying for CJ and his family.  I really appreciate it.

This weekend I have a baby shower, a grad party and a meeting.  Next week is filled with babysitting :(  and then Thursday/Friday I am going to a camp to help with a retreat.  I am nervous/excited/anxious.

Red Headed crushes...migraines...drama drama for a llama

It's been about a month since I've posted so I guess I should update you all on my life!!!

April 18th-20th I was in IL for a conference Call Original--the theme was Shine! I got set free from my self image issue. I even came home that weekend and DELETED pictures, texts, etc that reminded me of CJ and the relationship we had.  He has moved on, has a new girlfriend, and I honestly don't care about him anymore.  I know the Lord will provide the right man for me when the time is right!!

The Rest of April was filled with babysitting, subbing, running, watching soccer games and church events.

May 4th I was in Cbus for an event with the little kiddos at my church. Heck I even had to DRIVE a church van back from Cbus to Sandtown.  Holla!!!  I felt like a SUPERhero!!!  Maybe a mini-van is in my near future ;) haha  On the 10th I went to my gma's and hung out with her!  Saturday I went to a wedding for a few college friends and it was a lot of fun! I LOVE it when I see friends from college! It seriously makes my heart soooo happy!!!

I have had a migraine since Saturday night :(  if I dont feel better by tonight after youth group, I am going to the ER bc it is seriously so frustrating :/  medicine isnt helping. Ive even had people pray for me.  I am back to barely sleeping again :( I slept from 11pm till 2am this morning.  So far I feel okay, but I guess we will see how the day plays out!!

Okay....so I'm sure you are wondering why I have red headed crushes in my title....well when I was at the wedding on Saturday, I saw an old guy friend from college whom I liked for about a year while I was in Toledo. Well he still lives in Toledo, is single and working full-time with the degree he got(social work) While talking with him, feelings I had for him flooded back into my heart and now I seriously wish I lived in Toledo still so that I could see if this could possibly go anywhere with him.  Please pray for me.  I am praying about it so I guess I will have to see if anything happens.

The rest of the month is filled with babysitting, a single mom's luncheon on Sunday @ my church, subbing on the 21st, grad party on the 26th, possibly seeing my friend Chelsea and her class on the 24th! and another day of subbing on the 30th.

I finally have all the funds I need for Belize for July!! I seriously CAN'T wait to see what the Lord does in my life when I am there in July!!!  A lot of fun things to happen this summer!  Nannying, Cedar Point trips, Belize, a wedding to attend, and maybe friends visiting :)  I hope you all have a great Wednesday!!! God Bless :)

Will someone come rub my back or play with my hair?

Current issues:  I haven't slept very well the past 10 days. Its almost like my body is boycotting sleep or something? I dont know but it is quite annoying.  The little girl I am babysitting today is teething and she is down for her nap till 3. I am praying, crossing my fingers and toes that she naps today because if she doesn't it is going to be a LONG day for me today :/

Hip Hip Hooray!  I dont have to take my Reading Endorsement in the Fall because Ohio decided to change the requirements again.  I am also really PUMPED for this weekend....I am attending a conference in IL this weekend-an all girl conference and I am sooo excited to see what the Lord does in my life this weekend.  I am going to learn to Shine.  I am seeking the Lord's face and I am going to let him do ANYTHING He wants to do in my life.  I have NO expectations for this weekend, but that is good. I am letting chains down and letting him transform me and my walk with Him :)

Nothing yet on the teaching field :/  I am trying to be patient but it is VERY hard.  I just want the job that I went to college for.

There's a Fire in my soul

Feelings: I'm missing dad, college, friends, the warmth from the sun, love.  I have lots of emotions going on this week. I've experienced some 'first' in my life and I honestly don't like it.  I just want to be living the dream the Lord has for me.  It is hard to be in this weird "season" in my life and to not be married, have my career job and to have a baby on the way.

Stressing about: school-OSU I can only take two classes this summer, and then another one in the fall, and the last class I will need is still up in the air when I can take it.  So on TOP of four classes I'll be taking in the fall thru UT, I'll  be also taking one class thru OSU.  2 this summer, 5 in the fall and then one class floating through the air and not sure where it will land :/  UGH the stresses of being an adult.  I also haven't gotten any interviews yet and I just stinking want a teaching job.

Frustrated about: boys, friendships, what i'm suppose to do with my life, my self-esteem, and some other stuff in my life.

Grateful that: I have a part-time nanny job for the summer which will be nice taking 2 classes in a 7 week span.  I am pumped for July 23-30 when I will be in Belize on a mission trip and having an amazing time showing Jesus to this culture.  I love working with the youth group kiddos and even the children's church. I am so glad I get to be a part of these ministries. I am grateful for Elisa and Meg.  Even though they are like 8-10 years older than me, are married and have kiddos, they still spend time with me and pour encouragement and love into me.

Also, I am so stressed out, I have tension in my shoulders and I'm SOOO sore from the stress I have :/  Go away stress!! Sun come out and get WARM so I can run outside!!!

Didn't mean to do that...

I didn't mean to NOT write on here for a month. I have no words. I have been busy.  I honestly feel like noone reads this anymore.  Ive subbed a lot. Ive worked out. Ive been sick. Ive babysat. Ive been to church. Ive visited college friends. Ive applied and been accepted into OSU for 4/5 Generalist Endorsement for the summer. Ive applied and been accepted into UT for the Reading Endorsement for the fall. So that means Im going back to school. O yay. Just what I want is more student loans. And more degrees and certificates and everything else that goes with all this garbage of education system we have going on right now.

God and I are pretty good. Although I can honestly say I am so not sure what my fall is going to look like. I am praying I get a teaching job.  But at the same time, I am scared. Im scared of becoming a first year teacher. To fail. To have things not go the way I want them to. I am scared of being too busy, to feel like I dont have a life or friends or that I do anything fun with my life.  I feel so empty lately.  I feel like since Cj and I's break up, I dont do anything. I just sit at home when Im not subbing and just do nothing with my life. I feel like a failure a lot of the times I look at life.  I want to go far in my life. I still desire to be married and to have a family and Im scared, scared to death that I am NEVER going to get this dream accomplished.  It scares me to death to think that I will die a virgin, alone and never get the desires of my heart.  I just want to finally see something good happen to me for once in my life.  I feel like since dad's death in 09, nothing really has gone the way that I want it to.  I am tired of living at home and feeling that I am a failure of human race.

SNOW DAY

Last Friday I went to a high school basketball game to watch Kyrsten and Kinsey do little cheer buddies!  Saturday I did some house chores and then I hung out with a youth student.  Sunday I went to church, a babyshower and then hung out at home.  Monday I did nothing.  Tuesday I subbed a half day.  Wednesday I went to Axiom.  Yesterday I subbed, babysat and then hung out with the Smelcers afterwards.  Today all the schools in the area have a snowday.  So today I am washing all of my bedding, do more laundry, dishes, maybe do some other cleaning? and just relaxing.  Tomorrow is SATURDAY :) EEK!!  I am PUMPED for a Saturday to do NOTHING.  I do have a thing at 6 tomorrow night but its okay I am excited to go to that.  Sunday is church and then possibly doing something for me.  I dont know yet.

I have been feeling very fat and ugly this week.  Its not really helping me to have friends who are getting engaged or announcing pregnancies but its okay I will keep pushing through. I know that one day I will get my desires of my heart. I just gotta be patient I suppose.

No One Higher

This week has been really tough.  Tough in a sense that I need to trust God for strength. To see each day as a GOOD day and I can't dwell on what has happened to me. I am on a fast till April 1st from boys/love/relationships. I am working on moving on, being romanced by God once again and to be content with being single. But gosh it is a lot harder than I would have ever imagined.

I am trying to find motivation to workout, sleep, eat but alas its really hard to. I dont have much of an appetite or any feeling to do anything lately.  I am just taking things one day at a time though. Its all I can do.

Chin up BUTTERCUP

Last Wednesday CJ broke things off between us. I am still trying to wrap my head around everything and its been a week now.  He said it is a break and wasn't sure how long the break will be.  I've never been broken up with before. I mean HELLO first time that I was in a relationship but sheesh I mean I am still trying to piece things together over here.

Ummm snow I think you NEED to give us a SNOWDAY. This week I will have four days of subbing. Dont get me wrong I am SOOO grateful for the Lord providing all this for me but I mean I just need some DOWN TIME I need to catch my breathe!!!

I am looking for teaching jobs like CRAZY and right now I haven't heard anything.  I am just soooo ready for my own classroom and I am trying to be so incredibly patient but I mean HELLO I am ready for this next step in my life.

I need a hobby....something that I can make a little bit of cash or something.  I am just needing something to focus my mind on...you know?

Ho Hum

This week is awful....Saturday will be 4 years since my dad died....I started taking Birth Control last week to help regulate my cycle(its been insane since my dad died) and its been making me feel like crap :(  This week my sleep schedule has also gone down the drain. My boyfriend texted me last night that we need to talk about us today....which I dont think will end well so I am sure that I will be in tears for a while and Im sure I will stop eating sleeping and working out because I have a feeling that CJ is going to break my heart tonight and Im not sure how well I am going to take it :(

So I need prayer, encouragement, love, a friend....anything right now would really be appreciated.

Trust

I'm trusting that the Lord will one day provide for me my own classroom, my own students, walls, a place to share laughter, learning, smiles, love and joy.
I'm trusting the Lord will one day provide for me a husband. A guy who has the Lord first in his heart. He knows values and will work hard to show me love, joy, and to be there for me and our future together.
I'm trusting the Lord that one day I will experience a father's love once again. It does hard some days when I miss my earthly father and all that I want is love from my dad, to cuddle, to kiss him, get a hug, talk and it is bringing back lots of pain and heartache to me right now while typing this. I am hoping that wherever my father may be that I am making him proud.  That's all I want to do. Is to make my daddy proud of who I am becoming.

End of the Year Survey

I havent showered or worked out yet today. Ive made this:http://www.bunsinmyoven.com/2012/04/15/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-dip/     for tonight and at twelve I am going to make my meatballs for tonight.  I am so excited to go hang out with my friends tonight for NYE.  I am SUPER bummed though that I dont get to spend the evening with my boyfriend :(  It definitely kind of sucks but o well.

I got this survey off my friends blog and so I decided to do it as well :)

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?

I worked at a daycare, got a BOYFRIEND, went night sledding, made a cheesecake, did the Daniel Fast, chaperoned 4 youth events, ran a half marathon!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did want to stop eating sugar but that didnt happen.  I will more than likely make one to lose weight and tone up but we will see.  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friends Whitney, Leah, Jen, Katie...I could keep going but the list would be INSANE!!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank god.

5. What countries did you visit?

I stayed in the great ol' USA

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Full time teaching job. An engagement ring. A bigger trust in God. 

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 8th....the day CJ and I started dating.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Running a half marathon!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not really sure

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Other than colds nope

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I really havent bought anything cool for myself in a long time :/

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not a clue

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Election, CT shooting

14. Where did most of your money go?
Loans, a couple I support for CRU, and little kiddos

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Running a half marathon, seeing God bringing a guy into my life, the youth kids and their relationship with God.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
A few worship songs I suppose.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? I think about the same, maybe more muscle though
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Been healthier, stronger, thinner, paid off more of my student loans

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Being down on myself. Complaining about stupid stuff and trying to not be so down about myself and life

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it with my mom, grandma and brother at my mom's house.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?

Yes I did :) and I hope I dont fall out of love with CJ ever.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Greys Anatomy, Parenthood, Big Bang Theory, Last Man Standing, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Teen Mom One and Two...I think that is it.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Not really

25. What was the best book you read?

Hunger Games and prolly a few of the Karen Kingsbury books I read as well

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

None

27. What did you want and get?

A boyfriend. Clothes. Purse

28. What did you want and not get?

Teaching Job. Skinny stomach. Ring

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Not really sure

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned the BIG 25 on Dec. 4th. I went to lunch with my mom and then went and watched CJ play dartball that night

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I hadn't complained and not made an effort to find more schools hiring or even get a thin sexy body I want

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Its whatever...except I did discover Old Navy clothes look really good on me so oops!

33. What kept you sane?

God

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Not sure

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Election Year. Fiscal Issue. and lots of other things I suppose that I really didnt pay attention to

36. Who did you miss?

Dad

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Olivia from the daycare I worked at this summer

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
To trust God and to know that He will provide for your every need.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Dont have one and my computer is about to die so no time to look for one!

Blah

This is my 25th Christmas.  I got a giftcard to Target, OSU shirts, Old Navy clothes, a scarf, bath stuff, purse, a cd, and a few random things in my stocking.

I am having a bad day.  My brother and grandma left a day early because here in OHIO we are suppose to get 12 inches of snow tomorrow.  I miss my dad. I hate that people leave. I want to see my boyfriend. I just feel like everything in my life isnt going how I want it.  I dont want to eat dinner. I cant stop crying. I want everything that God has for me to just fall into my lap because I am tired, so tired of not getting anything I want in life :/  Im ready for something awesome to happen in my life.

On my knees

Im on my knees for those 20 babies that are up in heaven with Jesus.  My heart is still broken over the tragedy that happened in Newtown, CT.  I am praying for the families who lost loved one on Friday.  As a teacher, I know that I would have been like Victoria and had the gunman take my life over my students.  I would have protected me with my own life.  All I have to say is that I hope this really causes people to love more, to be more kind and to really get on their knees and start a relationship with God