Day 3

I am on day 3 of wearing my little grey dress. To be honest, I feel so discouraged. It is grey and I feel quite ugly in it. I want to cry. My heart has been so heavy lately. I am struggling with me-my self image, my talents, my gifts, my all. I am not sure what to do lately.
I however am quite missing running outside. This week has be insane. I've been so busy with school and its been so cold I haven't had time to workout, well only Wednesday and I am seriously itching to run again :/ Please get warm again OH so I can run outside.
I almost want to give up-on just every single thing of life lately. I surrender it all to God and yet I feel like I am caught, caught in a time where I cant get out. It sucks quite alot actually.

Can I do it

I still feel rather discouraged--so not sure where God is going to take me on my life journey after graduation. I want to teach, but then I dont. I want to be in a relationship, and yet its not time for me. I want to be married, and yet I havent met him yet. I want to move away, but Im scared to death. I want to pay off my loans, but yet I need a job. Guess Ill just be on my knees crying and praying out to God about my future.
Week 11 of last semester of college starts tomorrow. Im so tired, so annoyed, so ready for this semester to be over with. Im sick of lesson plans, of teaching, of grading, copying things, being sleep deprived, wearing the same clothes every week, but yet my heart has been captured by those children. Those children I love each and every one of them dearly. Its going to be hard to leave them May 18th. I hate I wear my heart on my sleeves most of the time with children.
Starting Thursday, I am going to wear one dress for a month. To help with awareness for sex trafficking. It breaks my heart women out there so young, so gentle are getting awful things done to them. I am not wearing my dress the morning of April 8th for a job fair, or the morning of April 17th for my 5k, and Im gonna try to wear it as much as I can during the school week but Im doing it for women out there that cant stand up for themselves. Ill do it for them. Pray for me as I do this out of faith

New processing

I got the phone call today that I didn't get selected to intern with Cru this coming school year. My heart is seriously so broken right now. I felt that was what the Lord was calling me to do, and now that passion that tug on my heart was a broken chain. I feel like I'm back to square one--who knows what I'll be doing when I graduate. Its not interning with Cru thats for sure. Im scared Im not going to pass my Praxis two and get my licensure to be a teacher. Im so deeply terrified because I dont know what the Lord has my future. Im scared to death that I wont find a job and that my loans wont get paid for. I cant stop crying. My heart is so broken right now. I feel so lost, so confused on what the Lord really has for me. Right now, I feel like I lost my way and I cant find my master. Lord, where are you? Where is that plan you have for me?

running my first 5k April 17th. Im training and I'm ready to experience my first race.

week 10 of spring semester. Lord, do I HAVE to graduate college??

Focus

Lately I have had snow days. They are seriously annoying. I graduate May 8th and then I am going to be at my school till May 16th. Are we SERIOUS right now? Boo! I need to find a summer job and work :( ahhh I may cry a bit. O I cant stress out about that now. God will provide for me no matter what.
Im still not so sure what Im doing after I graduate but I am trusting God. I am either teaching, interning with Crusade or moving back home to start paying off loans. I am just trusting God with what he will give me in this lifetime.
I am learning to yield my life of singleness to the lord. it will happen when it does. until then i am just trusting god that he has the best for me and that is this season of singleness.
Its so weird to think that I am graduating in may and my dad wont be here for that. he wont be there to hug me, kiss me, watch me walk across that stage and become a college graduate. it is so hard to think this is one of many milestones in my life i will go without dad. i have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. but he would be so proud of me. he always was. i was his princess and his only daughter. im trying to make you proud daddy<3

Raw pain

Wednesday was the 2 year mark of me getting the phone call that my dad had passed away. It really didn't hit me. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I had snow days from placement. Tuesday night my friend Anna stayed over, and then Wednesday I had a HUGE party. Anna, my friend Emily and then our friend Amanda stayed over. It was seriously so much fun. The pain of the 2 year mark hit me Thursday night at Cru and even last night. I miss him terribly. It still feels so fresh in my mind. I could play every moment of that week still in my mind. I think what is so hard is that I feel like I cant hear his voice anymore. I really miss his hugs. My dad was 6 foot 2 and Im only 5 foot so if you can picture it I felt like I was hugging a HUGE teddy bear. I miss his advice. I am graduating May 8th and this will be the first milestone of my life. I'm not really sure I am ready to accomplish my first real huge thing without my dad. This is going to be so hard. Heck, I am starting to feel the tears swell in my eyes as I am typing this up on my laptop. I know that the Lord has gotten me through the past two years, but sometimes the pain becomes so raw. I feel so lonely a lot of the times because I feel like no one really truly understands what my heart is feeling. I have friends who have lost a parent, but sometimes I feel like they dont understand how I feel. Everyone's grief is different. We all struggle with similar emotions, but our lives with the grief all play different roles. I am trying really hard to find the joy of the Lord in this tough part of my life right now. Daddy, if you are listening to me right now, I love you with all of my heart. I will miss you forever. Please take care of grandpa Allen, and your parents until we all meet again.

Life as I know it

I have successfully completed three weeks of student teaching. I am loving it. The kids are so well behaved and its been a blast. I still dont know what im doing after I graduate but Im just trusting God with his plan for my life. I still am considering teaching, interning or Africa. But idk where Ill get called. I have basically done nothing other than go to school, go to class once a week, work out when I can and see friends when I can. I def. am starting to hate living alone because I feel like I dont see anyone my age anymore, but its okay.
Wednesday is the 2 yr mark of dad's death. this past week has been rough. I have cried myself to sleep. I miss him a ton. I know this semester is going to be hard. Im graduating, going thru my first milestone without dad. I am going to become a teacher and achieve a goal he had for me. To graduate college. I am fighting back tears while typing this. I miss him so much and yet I know I still have a father, he just isnt there to always in a way I want

Panic attacks

Basically IDK what to do after May 8th:

Option 1: Teach and move away from OH
Option 2: Intern with Campus Crusade
Option 3: have a dumb stupid lifeguarding job, save money and then move to Africa
Option 4: Master's in Special Education