Sunday, January 30, 2011

Life as I know it

I have successfully completed three weeks of student teaching. I am loving it. The kids are so well behaved and its been a blast. I still dont know what im doing after I graduate but Im just trusting God with his plan for my life. I still am considering teaching, interning or Africa. But idk where Ill get called. I have basically done nothing other than go to school, go to class once a week, work out when I can and see friends when I can. I def. am starting to hate living alone because I feel like I dont see anyone my age anymore, but its okay.
Wednesday is the 2 yr mark of dad's death. this past week has been rough. I have cried myself to sleep. I miss him a ton. I know this semester is going to be hard. Im graduating, going thru my first milestone without dad. I am going to become a teacher and achieve a goal he had for me. To graduate college. I am fighting back tears while typing this. I miss him so much and yet I know I still have a father, he just isnt there to always in a way I want

Friday, January 7, 2011

Panic attacks

Basically IDK what to do after May 8th:

Option 1: Teach and move away from OH
Option 2: Intern with Campus Crusade
Option 3: have a dumb stupid lifeguarding job, save money and then move to Africa
Option 4: Master's in Special Education

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Tear down these walls

Happy 2011!!! My break has seriously be incredible. I made dean's list once again, traveled to Newark OH for Christmas and then got back today from INDYCC with Campus Crusade. My Christmas was actually rough this year. Not only did my heart actually miss dad, but I also was craving for my grandpa's heart and love that day. I made it through tho and I guess that is all that matters.
INDYCC-O man I feel like Im going to type a HUGE story, like a novel but here we go. I left Tuesday at like 10 with Justin and an international girl. We got to INDY at like 3. I checked into my room with Emily, Erika and Kelsey at 5. We ate and then headed to the convention center. The speaker this year, Ed, was seriously incredible. The theme-Unmistakable was a really great title for the conference. The band this year was the Harvest Worship Band and they played some great songs. I say check out Tear down these walls and Give me Faith. Tuesday night I felt after the talk that the Lord was seriously going to do something incredible to me this week. I shared my struggle with beauty and self image with my roommates Tuesday, we all prayed for eachother and then I went to bed. Wednesday--The morning talk was about dressing like a Christian. I could tell that the Lord was showing me I needed to wear the five things and to love my brothers and sisters more. I went to the Women's only seminar and afterwards was prompted by the Lord to go to the prayer room. I went there and could feel so broken. I felt so lonely at that moment and was praying to God to move in my life, to show me the beauty that I had. I went to another seminar and then had a break until dinner. That night, a skit was performed. It was about going to heaven and meeting Jesus and basically it was incredible. While everyone was worshiping, I was sitting on my chair with tears forming in my eyes. My friend Anna was sitting next to me, and before too long I was shaking uncontrollable bawling my eyes out. The Lord had broken me-just as I had asked. He was telling me that His Love is here, I don't need to seek it anymore. He wanted me to surrender, surrender my heart my life my EVERYTHING. I didn't need to hold back anymore, and that I cant compare God to my father anymore. That he was NEVER going to leave me, nor forsake me, nor stop loving me. I needed the negative thoughts and lies I was believing about myself to be rebuked. Anna prayed for me, and after I journaled and prayed. I cried out to God and laid it all down at his feet. I went to project reunion and that was pretty good. Thursday was outreach day and we lead 107 people to Christ as a conference. PLT :) The whole time at the conference I was praying, seeking God to show me the beauty that was inside of me. Well yesterday morning-I walked into the room for women's time and on the screen were these words: Unmistakable Beauty. My heart about fell outta my chest. I was like Whoa Lord show me what you want me to know. I listened, and I am truly slowly starting to see the beauty inside of me and I pray that the Lord lets the beauty that I have inside pour out onto the outside. Last night was the big New years eve party and I wanna say this-I would have rather worshiped for 4 hours straight than had a dance party. I'm not gonna lie at all. I celebrated the new year by worshiping my savior and seeing over 2000 college students praying, worshiping and preparing for eternity! I seriously could listen to worship every second of the day and feel like my life is growing because of it.
After a whole semester of not seeing the Lord doing much work in my life, the Lord showed up. He showed up HUGE in my life. I am praying that the scales that fell off my eyes would not come back. I pray I can see myself for the potential I have to show my natural beauty without trying to hide it. I am of course still nervous and anxious to see what happens after I graduate in May, but I'm trusting the Lord. I know that if I do:teaching, interning, or go to Africa that the Lord will have me. He will hold my hand and show me the plan that he has for me. I am trusting and will patiently wait for the timing of his potential for my life.
"I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, my god you never will"