Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Lately I have had snow days. They are seriously annoying. I graduate May 8th and then I am going to be at my school till May 16th. Are we SERIOUS right now? Boo! I need to find a summer job and work :( ahhh I may cry a bit. O I cant stress out about that now. God will provide for me no matter what.
Im still not so sure what Im doing after I graduate but I am trusting God. I am either teaching, interning with Crusade or moving back home to start paying off loans. I am just trusting God with what he will give me in this lifetime.
I am learning to yield my life of singleness to the lord. it will happen when it does. until then i am just trusting god that he has the best for me and that is this season of singleness.
Its so weird to think that I am graduating in may and my dad wont be here for that. he wont be there to hug me, kiss me, watch me walk across that stage and become a college graduate. it is so hard to think this is one of many milestones in my life i will go without dad. i have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. but he would be so proud of me. he always was. i was his princess and his only daughter. im trying to make you proud daddy<3

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Raw pain

Wednesday was the 2 year mark of me getting the phone call that my dad had passed away. It really didn't hit me. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I had snow days from placement. Tuesday night my friend Anna stayed over, and then Wednesday I had a HUGE party. Anna, my friend Emily and then our friend Amanda stayed over. It was seriously so much fun. The pain of the 2 year mark hit me Thursday night at Cru and even last night. I miss him terribly. It still feels so fresh in my mind. I could play every moment of that week still in my mind. I think what is so hard is that I feel like I cant hear his voice anymore. I really miss his hugs. My dad was 6 foot 2 and Im only 5 foot so if you can picture it I felt like I was hugging a HUGE teddy bear. I miss his advice. I am graduating May 8th and this will be the first milestone of my life. I'm not really sure I am ready to accomplish my first real huge thing without my dad. This is going to be so hard. Heck, I am starting to feel the tears swell in my eyes as I am typing this up on my laptop. I know that the Lord has gotten me through the past two years, but sometimes the pain becomes so raw. I feel so lonely a lot of the times because I feel like no one really truly understands what my heart is feeling. I have friends who have lost a parent, but sometimes I feel like they dont understand how I feel. Everyone's grief is different. We all struggle with similar emotions, but our lives with the grief all play different roles. I am trying really hard to find the joy of the Lord in this tough part of my life right now. Daddy, if you are listening to me right now, I love you with all of my heart. I will miss you forever. Please take care of grandpa Allen, and your parents until we all meet again.