Saturday, November 20, 2010

Hard place

This past week has been a huge blessing and hard place for me. I have gotten to hang out with friends, sense that the Lord is there for me, and then it has been so emotional. I miss daddy so very much. I hate that the holidays are coming up. I hate that my heart and mind want him here so very much to enjoy this holiday. My grandpa is very sick, and Im not sure how much longer I have with him. My heart is breaking that my only other father figure wont be here on earth very much longer. My friend from home-Tona, went into premature labor Sunday-22 weeks along. She had the baby Thursday morning, very early, and Hosanna Jael lived for 1 hr and 27 minutes. My heart continues to break for her.
I dont understand to this day why things happen to us. Why we have to suffer and go through hard issues in our lives as a Christ-follower. My heart is mourning for all of these things and its hard to remind myself that I have faith, I have Christ, I have a HEAVENLY father even though I dont have an earthly one. I am trying to take in the fact that I am a beautiful daughter of a King, even thought I dont feel like I am. My heart is telling me one thing and my mind is telling me another. I am not sure what to do with all of these emotions.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Im thankful that last weekend:
~Ball state Cru's
~Project brothers and sisters-saw all of them :)
~school friends
~delicious food
This week has been not too bad. Classes have been easy. I was sick Monday-Wed and I skipped one class on Tuesday because I felt like crap. I went to bed at 6 that night and got up at 5 AM on wed! it was glorious!! I didnt have school yesterday and I dont have anything until Monday! I am following the Lord so closely this week because I know he is going to reveal something HUGE to me! Beauty was just one thing this week. Who knows what will happen when I graduate in May, but Im trusting!! Taking Praxis 2 tomorrow and Im not worried. Im trusting the LORD hard core through this! Hanging out with my friend today for lunch and then homework and studying the rest of the weekend. O, and my friend Tiffany will be over tomorrow after my test to see my apartment and hang out!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Weekend trips and Venting

My trip to Buffalo was glorious. I enjoyed project friends, late nights, wings, malls, Niagara Falls, pancakes and just fellowshipping with brothers and sisters I spent 11 weeks with.
Classes are still going well. They all seem really easy and now its time to do projects and little assignments with kids in my field work. I only have 4 more lessons to teach to my class.
Last weekend I went home for my friend Carlie's wedding. It was beautiful but during the reception I got bored. All of my friends were in the bridal party. I didnt have a date. I sat alone at a HUGE table. I realized I hate going to weddings alone and that all of my friends are getting hitched and Im getting left. Its starting to really bum me out.
I havent found out my placement yet for student teaching, and I think the Lord is teaching me to be patient. I am really trying to be patient but I just really know where I will be at.
Thursday Im leaving to head to Ball State to visit project friends until Saturday morning. It will be good to see my friends, their Cru and just get away for a few days.
I have NO idea who reads my blog or if anyone really cares about me or anything, but I really just need to get this out there-I am really starting to hate being so alone all the time. I go to class and feel alone, go to cru and feel alone. I dont know what is wrong with me. I reach out to people and noone reaches back. Everyone tells me to go counseling and that isnt going to help me to not feel lonely. I just want someone to reach out to me, to love me, to share life with me. I just feel like there is nothing else for me to do other than just sit in my apartment and rot away. What is the point of even trying? I am doing all that I can and others arent just showing love to me. I cant afford that kind of help and I dont want others to help me. I go to god with everything but you know ive never heard his voice and yes he can comfort me but a real hug and love is something i just really need.