Friday, May 28, 2010

The Time Has Come

11 A.M. on Monday May 31st, 2010 I will climb into my car for Wildwood, NJ. I have my bags packed(except for the few last loads of laundry I need to accomplish) I have to charge my MP3 player and finish cleaning up my bedroom. I keep thinking in my mind if my heart is seriously prepared for this. I was talking to one of my staff on the phone today from school, Jessi, and it is so surreal to me that I am leaving at the end of this weekend. I still need to hang out with my brother, my friend Beth and Laura and Jessica and others. I still need to say goodbye to church family. I need to call a friend, my grandparents. I have all my errands done. I feel like I don't have everything ready but yet on my floor in my room is my things all neatly piled up ready for me to pack it into the car and head to a state I was called to go to. I can't freak out anymore. I must let go. Let go of the fears and the anxiety that is pouring through my blood. I AM leaving on Monday. I have ALL my support raised :) I have prepared myself the best that I can. I just have to take my things, my car and my mind and let God do the rest. I am expecting the Lord to do crazy things this summer. I'm diving into this summer with my knees smacking together and my arms strectched out. I am letting God take FULL control of my summer. I am giving Him my ALL. I want Him to wreck me, to let the joy pour into my heart. I know it is going to be challenging. I know I am going to miss friends and family, but I have to obey my Savior. He is going to win my heart all over again this summer. Lord, take all of me. I am letting you have YOUR way with me!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Last bits of home

The month of May has been flying by. I need to finish packing and making sure I have everything before I leave for NJ next Tuesday at 3 A.M. I am ready for new adventures, sunshine, crisp humid air, God's masterpiece called an Ocean and other stuff I will come into contact this summer. I am anxious to get to project and seeing what all the Lord does in my heart and mind. I am ready to see what happens to the lifes out there. I am nervous to tell others my story and even to see what God does in my life. I am a little sad to leave friends and dear sweet children that are close to my heart, but I know the Lord has called me to go project and he is going to forever change my heart and life.

Must get back to laundry, packing, organizing and beautfiul sunshine that is creeping in through my window.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Pain in my heart

Last night when I was trying to sleep, I started to freak out. My heart was pounding and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. I get them sometimes when I miss my dad. I ended up laying on the futon last night in the living room. I stared at the cherry oak box where my dad's ashes are at for hours. I honestly don't remember what time I felt asleep. All I know is that I crave for his hugs. They weren't like friend hugs. They were the perfect hug. I also felt protected and safe when I got a hug from him. Especially since I was over a foot shorter than dad. I miss his hugs. Alot.

I'm scared. Very scared for project. I am worried that I will cry all the time. I have realized that I have never really grieved. I want to grieve, but o boy I don't want to let go of him. I am worried that when I grieve I will forget him, everything about him. I am also worried that I will die like my dad. Of cancer and other health issues that he had. I know it is probably dumb I freak out over the dumbest things, but sometimes it consumes my thoughts. I surrender it all to the Lord, but then sometimes I feel like it eats at me. Makes me so sad and makes me realize that I am fatherless and noone is there to be that father to me. O lord, give me comfort and your love. I need you more than anything.

Monday, May 17, 2010


I'm starting to really hate home. I feel way bored. I feel like I just sit and do nothing. I hate the rain. I hate that it is cold. I need adventure and something fun to do. I have 15 more days in Ohio. AHHH Im so excited to get out of here and to see what all God has in store for me this summer. I have 83% raised as well. O yeah!! I'm still nervous to see what all happens this summer but I know it will be good.
I am starting to feel so tired lately. I sleep and stuff but I dont know. I always feel tired. I am not a nap person either. I have been really struggling with how I look lately. I am in a wedding this summer and there is two other bridesmaids. They are both so much prettier and thinner than me. I felt so huge compared to the other two. I hope that I lose weight before the wedding so I feel okay about myself. I still need to find a date but I dont know who to ask. Maybe I will just go solo. That is always fun! NOT! I am really hoping when I am on project the Lord does crazy things in my life, in my heart. I am ready for change. I am ready to see what all he has in store for me while I am there. I am just so ready to move on and get freedom from stuff. Ready to see beauty inside of me. Ready to experience Joy again. Ready to see what he has in store for me after i graduate next may.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Letting GO

I've realized that I have to let go of it all that is so deep pressed inside of my heart. Today I just found out that my dad's sister died of cancer as well. Kills me inside because my dad's dad passed away of cancer as well. Will I get cancer as well? I miss my dad more and more as time goes on. I have been home for a week now and all I can think about when I am here is my dad. I am craving for attention from God. I am really trying to spend time with Him and prepare my heart and life for Project but at the same time I cant. I dont feel connected to Him anymore. I feel so dead in spirit like I dont know how to read or journal anymore.

I need to let go of the pain inside of my heart because if I dont, I dont know what I will do on project. I am worried Im going to be the cry baby on project. I want God to break the walls down, to wreck me and to reshape me. I want to be completely different when I come back in August. I am ready to be the woman the Lord is calling me to be. I want to be the woman the Lord has crafted me to be. I want to see myself as beautiful. I want to keep following and serving the Lord. I want to be joyful and to be okay without every second of the day praying for dad back. I want to grieve and know its okay. I want fall SOO in love with God that my friends know that I am different. I want to come back to Ohio in August and have people notice the Lord walks in me, through me. I want to know what all the Lord has in store for my life this coming school year and as I prepare to graduate and go out into the real world and everything. Lord, Take me as I am. Broken, scarred, dented, and bruised. Turn me into the beautiful woman you have called and crafted me to be.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Grin and Bear it

1 year 3 months and 9 days. I feel like I could countdown forever. I ache for him. I want my dad back in my house so bad. Being home is driving me nuts. I sometimes wish he is in the living room when I walk out of my bedroom, or in the basement. I sometimes feel like a broken toy that can't ever be broken. I am just sitting on a shelf in the garage waiting to collect dust and be forgotten about. School friends I feel do that to me when summer hit. And you know what, it totally sucks. I crave for friends to care and noone does. I wanna cry out to someone, anything and noone is there. I am trying to hold onto God but I dont feel him. I want to hear his voice, but no response. I want any sign from him and I get a dead end.
In 21 days Ill be 9 hrs and 41 minutes from my house for 11 weeks. In a state I went to when I was four to visit family. In a city that will house me 4 blocks from a beach to share the gospel and pour life onto others. I am excited to meet new people, make friends, live with 4-5 other girls, bible studies, community and fellowship 24/7 and at the same time I'm scared to death. I don't want to tell others my story. I don't want to experience freedom from things. I dont want to cry in front of staff and people I dont know. I dont want to not be home for 11 weeks(except for the wedding JUly 31st I have to be home for). I dont want to not have my normal gang around me. I am scared that I'll get judged or people will hate my story. They wont understand. They wont want to be my friend. Noone will be there for me. Noone will let me cry. Noone will let me do what I want. I feel like I am not going to have a friend to run to when I need a good cry or a talk. I feel like I am not going to be ok with letting go of stuff and letting it be gone. I am scared to have freedom and not know how it feels. I will probably want all that weight and garage back on me. O Lord, where are you? Why am I feeling like this? Can you hear me? Anyone out there?

Thursday, May 6, 2010


I've been back home since yesterday. I honestly want to either 1)be in Toledo 2) be in heaven or 3)be in NJ right now. I'm so lonely. I have no friends. I hate being home alone. I wanna get out STAT!!
This morning I was unpacking some of my stuff from college and realized I have WAY TOO MANY BOOKS. Old books from when I was younger, textbooks, Christian Books, random books, Children books for my classroom when I get one. I have decided to go through SLOWLY and get rid of stuff that I seriously don't need. Why keep things that have no passion in my life anymore? My relationship with God has to be like that. I have to get rid of the clutter and the stuff that is old and I don't need anymore. I have to clean up my life in order to get more and more fulfillment from God. He is the only thing that can notice me. He is the only thing I need in life. I have to CLING to Him and realize that he doesn't notice the baggage like I do in my room. He just sees me dripping in His blood and washing away ALL the sins that I have committed and the sins that will commit. Jesus, thanks for dying on that Cross and taking away all of my sins. Thanks for LOVING me so much that you let me come back each and everytime I don't feel or know that I am adequate to be loved by you.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

My Inner Thoughts

This week has honestly been awful. Classes are all over. I have one final holding me back till Summer. I am basically done with Senior Year Number One. I mean I should be studying for the final I have on Monday, but honestly I've put in around 18 hrs already so I figured this is a break. I am done with my first grade placement and I am going to miss those kids like CRAZY!! I have 31 days till I am in New Jersey and learning so much.
I honestly have been struggling so much this week. I hate the way I look. I wanna be thinner and more beautiful. I've had so many mind games go on in my head that I have even let Satan win a few times. I just want to be set free and I feel like God isn't answering my prayers. I'm praying that he changes my heart, my mind, my sight so that I am free from this, so that I can see myself as beautiful and I dont care what I look like. Also I am really struggling with the whole single thing. I am content but Im starting to freak out that I am not going to find the guy that God has for me. God where are you in the mist of all the toils in my life??