Tuesday, December 14, 2010

He is my GOD

SOOO I passed my Praxis 2:PLT part :) It is seriously all God for real. I gave it to him and I passed. Thank you Jesus!!!
Grandpa passed away a week ago. I miss him a ton, but I'm relying on God to help me get through this.
Only one final, its today and then Im on break until Jan. 10th :)
Im going to INDY, visiting friends, seeing family, UT vs FIU bowl game, and of course sleeping and working out a TON

Sunday, December 5, 2010

8 places I'd like to visit

Christmas tea was alot of fun. Noone really sat at my table, but its okay. I still had fun. My mom got to hear the Gospel and I'm so grateful I am a part of this wonderful community and Campus Crusade. Pray that the words she hear last night grow deep in her heart.
Where would I like to go?:
1. Australia-I would LOVE to go there and see how beautiful it really is
2. Africa-its really been on my heart lately, and I'm hoping I get to go there sometime
3. Boston-I want to go there so bad, to see the beautiful city and soak up the East Coast and see my project friends
4.India-it is the partner country of my campus and I'd heard so much about it I sort of want to go now
5.Hawaii-I have a friend who lives there and its beautiful so kill two birds with one stone?!
6.Maine-I heard its beautiful up there
7.Brazil-I dont know why I picked this place, the name is really fun to say I guess!?!
8.China-I would LOVE to go share the Gospel there

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Nine Things I cant live without

Happy 23rd birthday to me. Gah I feel like an oldie right now! Haha I went to breakfast with my friends Alana and Dana and I loved it. Peaceful, laughs, friends, and Im so grateful we have stayed friends even though they both are married and I'm still single. I am grateful that I had a dad who loved me and showed me love on all of my birthdays-the first 21 years of my life. Thanks dad for being so gracious and lovely to me all those years.
Tonight is Christmas Tea. Im excited and anxious to see how my mom reacts to this night. Pray with me for my mom.
Nine things I cant live without:
1. Jesus-Idk where I would be without him, and I just need him EVERY moment of my life every single day
2. water-that is just a DUH
3.food-cant be a stick and i need to survive
4.books-i love learning and reading and so i cant live without books
5.smiling-i LOVE smiling and its so good for you to smile :)
6.children-they light up my day, cause me to want to scream, but im so passionate about them and teaching them
7.clothes-its sad that Adam and Eve sinned and they realized they were naked, but at this moment my clothes are keeping me warm and snuggly in my apartment. Plus I wouldnt want to run around naked either.
8.music-it can uplift my moods, bring them down and basically it is my life.
9.sleep-i cant think of anything else and i guess if i didnt ever sleep i would probably fall over from exhaustion and that wouldnt be good so sleep bring it on.

Friday, December 3, 2010

10 day challenge

Thanksgiving has come and gone. My grandpa is in the hospital so we went and visited him. Please pray for him. He is still there and he is doing okay. He has an infection in his heart.
23rd birthday. Christmas Tea.One more week of classes. Two more days with kindergarteners. 3 more classes. one final. christmas party. concert. family. INDY christmas conference and then it will be 2011
This month will totally fly out the door soon. Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday whoa that is so insane. I feel so incredibly old :(
I saw this in my friends blog. I wanna do this:
Random 10 Day Challenge
Day 1: Ten Things You Wanted/Want To Be When You’re Older
Day 2: Nine Things You Can’t Live Without
Day 3: Eight Places You Want To Visit
Day 4: Seven People Who Inspire You, and Why?
Day 5: Six of Your Favorite Books
Day 6: Five Things You Can Eat Everyday
Day 7: Four Songs That Describe Your Life Right Now
Day 8: Three favorite Cartoon Characters
Day 9: Two Movies You Absolutely Love
Day 10: One Quote That Describes Your Life Right Now

Day 1:
1. Olympic gymnast- I seriously was so deteremined I was going to be the next JC Phelps or Amanda Bordon. No lie
2. Gymnastics coach-Be the gymnast and then be the coach right?
3. Dancer-thought it would be fun to wear tights and leotards as a living and dance around for hours
4. teacher-i graduate in may with my license and degree in education
5. missionary-maybe if teaching doesnt work, ill share the love of christ all over the world
6.waitress-for at least a month of my life i wanna know how it is to serve others.
7.mom-i desire to be one someday
8.cook-i need to feed people so lets grab the recipes and start at it!
9.singer-i think i have a really decent voice so i could lead worship or something
10.a follower of christ-idk if that can be considered a job, but i want to do this the rest of my life. so there.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Hard place

This past week has been a huge blessing and hard place for me. I have gotten to hang out with friends, sense that the Lord is there for me, and then it has been so emotional. I miss daddy so very much. I hate that the holidays are coming up. I hate that my heart and mind want him here so very much to enjoy this holiday. My grandpa is very sick, and Im not sure how much longer I have with him. My heart is breaking that my only other father figure wont be here on earth very much longer. My friend from home-Tona, went into premature labor Sunday-22 weeks along. She had the baby Thursday morning, very early, and Hosanna Jael lived for 1 hr and 27 minutes. My heart continues to break for her.
I dont understand to this day why things happen to us. Why we have to suffer and go through hard issues in our lives as a Christ-follower. My heart is mourning for all of these things and its hard to remind myself that I have faith, I have Christ, I have a HEAVENLY father even though I dont have an earthly one. I am trying to take in the fact that I am a beautiful daughter of a King, even thought I dont feel like I am. My heart is telling me one thing and my mind is telling me another. I am not sure what to do with all of these emotions.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Im thankful that last weekend:
~Ball state Cru's
~Project brothers and sisters-saw all of them :)
~school friends
~delicious food
This week has been not too bad. Classes have been easy. I was sick Monday-Wed and I skipped one class on Tuesday because I felt like crap. I went to bed at 6 that night and got up at 5 AM on wed! it was glorious!! I didnt have school yesterday and I dont have anything until Monday! I am following the Lord so closely this week because I know he is going to reveal something HUGE to me! Beauty was just one thing this week. Who knows what will happen when I graduate in May, but Im trusting!! Taking Praxis 2 tomorrow and Im not worried. Im trusting the LORD hard core through this! Hanging out with my friend today for lunch and then homework and studying the rest of the weekend. O, and my friend Tiffany will be over tomorrow after my test to see my apartment and hang out!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Weekend trips and Venting

My trip to Buffalo was glorious. I enjoyed project friends, late nights, wings, malls, Niagara Falls, pancakes and just fellowshipping with brothers and sisters I spent 11 weeks with.
Classes are still going well. They all seem really easy and now its time to do projects and little assignments with kids in my field work. I only have 4 more lessons to teach to my class.
Last weekend I went home for my friend Carlie's wedding. It was beautiful but during the reception I got bored. All of my friends were in the bridal party. I didnt have a date. I sat alone at a HUGE table. I realized I hate going to weddings alone and that all of my friends are getting hitched and Im getting left. Its starting to really bum me out.
I havent found out my placement yet for student teaching, and I think the Lord is teaching me to be patient. I am really trying to be patient but I just really know where I will be at.
Thursday Im leaving to head to Ball State to visit project friends until Saturday morning. It will be good to see my friends, their Cru and just get away for a few days.
I have NO idea who reads my blog or if anyone really cares about me or anything, but I really just need to get this out there-I am really starting to hate being so alone all the time. I go to class and feel alone, go to cru and feel alone. I dont know what is wrong with me. I reach out to people and noone reaches back. Everyone tells me to go counseling and that isnt going to help me to not feel lonely. I just want someone to reach out to me, to love me, to share life with me. I just feel like there is nothing else for me to do other than just sit in my apartment and rot away. What is the point of even trying? I am doing all that I can and others arent just showing love to me. I cant afford that kind of help and I dont want others to help me. I go to god with everything but you know ive never heard his voice and yes he can comfort me but a real hug and love is something i just really need.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Fall break was very restful-shopping, Cedar Point, fresh cleaned clothes, trip to Columbus and saw best friend :), pizza, movies, friends, and panera twice in ONE weekend :)
I got observed by my supervisor and still to this day I am very pleased and impressed with myself. I am a natural when it comes to asking open ended questions :) I am so blessed by the Lord to be called into teaching. I honestly to tell in my heart this is where he called me-to pour love and encouragment into children, to love them even when they make me mad and want to rip my hair out. I did have an awful lesson on Monday but today I redeemed myself and I got a HUGE smile from my cooperative teacher after the lesson was done :)

Over the weekend I made dinner for some friends, went apple and pumpkin picking, watched the Rockets BEAT the flashes, worshipped the lord, and played ultimate. It was a very relaxing weekend that is for sure. On Friday I am leaving in the morning for Buffalo, NY to go to a mini project reunion. I am stoked to see some of my friends from the summer, stay up LATE, have girl talks and just enjoy my friends from the summer that I know I will NEVER forget.

Now, I am sure you are wondering why my title is 5683. Well in the town my school is in, there is KLOVE on the radio. This week has been their pledge drive and this morning while I was driving to school they were talking about a story about a lady and her little boy. Basically 5683 is the last 4 digits of their telephone number and at the end of the story those numbers saved a little boys life. In their family they said 5683 to express that they loved each other instead of shouting LOVE YOU in public. So today, while I was waiting for my classmate Emily to get to the school so we could walk into together, I texted her that and she sent me the same thing I sent her. It basically made each of our days. It even made my day that a 5 year old kindergartener sat in her class during snack time and prayed before she ate it :) Little kids who love the Lord are seriously so encouraging and so sweet to my heart

Friday, October 8, 2010

Fall Break

Fall Semester is half-way over. Holy Cow!!! Im on fall break right now. I've taught 2 lessons to my kindergarten class and I am loving being in the classroom. I know this is what the Lord has called me to do :)
Fall is def. here and I am loving all the changes in the air. October is by far my favorite month(well besides December :) ) I cant believe that I have already registered for my last semester of classes and that I student teach in Jan! Insane!! Classes are really easy right now. Placement, I'm loving it. I am so missing my project friends. I am starting to really hate being alone all the time in my apartment. I am looking forward to having a few fun things happen to me this coming week. I am wanting to hang out with some friends and bond with a ton of girls :)

Monday, September 20, 2010

Happy Feet

Kindergarteners-rather shy, tears streaming down faces(like 3), children shorter than me(one is almost as tall as me), cute smiles, whispers in my ears, calling me Mrs. G(since when did I get married?) oh my heart melted and I am convinced I love them already!

Im back to running a lot since being back in Ohio and having a pretty good schedule this semester. I am loving Toledo and all the beautiful colors that are outside. Fall is slowly starting to stick its hand out and I am head over heels in love with this!! Fall get-a-way is this weekend and Im PUMPED, even though it is my last one :( but hey, sometimes life must move on :)

Falling in love with Jesus is quite amazing-I am content with my classes, my friends, my placement, my life, my joy, and everything that is going on at this moment. i am fine with not being in a relationship, and just walking hand in hand with jesus<3

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Friends, like older and same age and younger than me are either in relationships, engaged or married. I went to a shower on Saturday for a friend whom is getting married in Oct and I just recently had a friend get into a relationship and lately this part of life is soooo hard for me. I have a huge desire to be in a relationship and its not happening. Im really working on trusting god and stuff but its so hard. I just so want what the rest of my friends have.
This semester I'll be in a kindergarten classroom. Im excited but nervous at the same time. Its my last semester before I student teach and Im just hoping I do well this semester.
I feel like Im starting to get sick :( and I cant afford to get sick at this moment. *sigh*
I am loving being able to work out like every day and just be in a normal routine with life. I loved project but man did i feel like i didnt have "me" time. now i have all this time and arent sure what to do with all of it! hah

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Being Content

September must be the month of God doing GOOD things in my life. I am actually at a point in my life that I am content with being single. Wow that is such a shocker for me to say at this moment. And I love this new weather that is rolling in. I can break out hoodies and jeans and feel like I am enjoy the weather. I love fall-leaves, pumpkins, football games(toledo really u do suck) and just enjoying the crisp air of freshness. I have realized my hair is SUPER long right now and I love it. I can do whatever I want with it and not really worry about pieces being so funky in a pony! School is quite chill and relaxing at this moment. I don't feel stressed and I am quite okay with the whole living alone thing. Labor day weekend consisted of-curly locks, football games, trip to detroit, Lecrae, 2 hr car rides, little kids, walks, Arbys, 3 movies, a whole season of One Tree Hill, and relaxation. Another week of super senior is almost over and I cant believe that in a few weeks is fall get-away. my last one :/ so sad but at the same time it will be bittersweet. I am ready to see what all the lord does the rest of the semester with my life and here at Toledo. I am still missing project but at the same time, it will always have a place in my heart/life and I will NEVER forget any of it. I won't ever forget what all the Lord did in my life thats for sure!!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Finding the Good in this?

First week of my last year at Toledo is over with and let me say this-I feel like Im back to the first week of project. Not liking this(living alone) and wanting to return to my comfort zone(project and wildwood) and at the same time I have to learn to Trust God again and to rely on Him that this is the plan He has for me. I know I gotta finish my last year of school, but at the same time Im scared to death!! I graduate in MAY, and have to become a real person with a REAL job and heck I dont even have a relationship even close to starting. *sigh* I am just learning to Trust and know that this is what God has for me. His plan is WAY bigger than anything else there is for me out there in this garbage world. Im still really missing my project friends and everything else there is about it and at the same time, I am enjoying being with my friends here-running, ultimate, rock climbing, random parties at my apartment, and just learning to be an adult. I still haven't started much school yet(what is homework?) but I am learning to be content with what I have right now. I may not have a roommate, but I like the quietness of not worrying about interupting quiet times or study habits or heck I dont have to be rude with the lights off at whatever time I decided to go to bed at!! I need to learn to find the GOOD in things and just TRUST.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Lonely Heart

I have been back in Toledo since Friday. I have seen a ton of friends, went to Nickel World, celebrated birthdays, got to a picnic, grocery shopping, church, and spent like a million hours at a table today telling people on campus to fill out a survery for a chance to win $200.
It is quite lonely living on my own. I feel like noone really wants to do stuff with me. I feel like everyone is so caught up in their lives and Im getting left behind. My apartment is so quiet and huge. I have way too much space. I dont know what to do with it all. I still need my futon put together and everything still. I love buying my own food and cooking though. I havent really had anything fancy. I did make tacos the first night I was in my apartment and valerie ate with me. Im praying the community on campus moves together as one. we come and just let this campus be on fire for the lord!! ahh!!! Today was my last first day of classes. bittersweet to think that in may i will actually be a college graduate! ahh!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


My bed is so much more quieter than my project bed. I dont share a room with 5 girls or a bathroom with 13 girls. I dont have to worry about people eating my food or paying to wash my clothes.
My home church has pews and we sing songs I actually know. We have altar calls and we dont eat breakfast while worshipping God.
I cant wait 4 blocks to the ocean, but I can drive 3 miles to the lake. I dont have to worry about jellyfish or random animals swimming by me while Im playing in the water.
I can run outside without dodging others and or dying from the heat. My schedule is very laid back right now and Im not always checkin the time to see what I need to get to next. I dont have to cook my meals and I dont have to worry where my car keys are at. I do however live in a house where noone is trying to encourage me in my faith or just asking me how I am really doing in life.
Home life is quite different than project life. Community here basically sucks and I am starting to feel like noone really loves me. I am just not sure how to really communicate what I did this summer to a family whom doesnt even believe in my faithful father. Im not sure how to approach that conversation either. I am starting to pack my stuff for school and I've realized I have a ton of stuff for my apartment but im not sure how it is all going to get there on Friday. Pray I continue to seek God, to let him help me through this transition and to lean on Him for his comfort and peace. On Friday Ill have community back and Ill also be living on my own. O boy

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I am back

Wednesday we went through a ton of debriefing stuff. How to reflect on the summer and how to transition from here to home. Wednesday night we had our project banquet. It was a lot of fun and the food was amazing. The community team a wonderful job on it. Thursday we had more debriefing, then we had to pack all of our stuff before dinner and then we had a celebration night. Katy, Margo, Terah, Sarah and I prayed for each other. That night myself and a few others started to lose it. I cried my eyes out and basically told others how they impacted my life and stuff this summer. Yesterday we cleaned a TON!!! Then a few of us went to the amusement park. We ate dinner as a project one last time and then just kind of walked the boardwalk one last time. I got up at 4 a.m this morning and said goodbye to everyone. I didnt cry but I have a feeling I will eventually. I dont think reality has hit me yet. I drove Kelsey and Terah to the airport and then drove 13 hrs all together. I went through 4 states in one day.
This summer God has taught me a TON. I have experienced community in a way I never have before. I learned to love others the way He loves me. I have experienced freedom and joy from all the circumstances I have experienced in my life lately. God's gracee was on the floor the I lived on. 14 girls to one bathroom and we somehow didnt fight over it all summer long. I learned to be vulnerable and share my emotions with others. I learned alot from the books of Galatians and 1 Thessionalions. God did A TON in my life this summer. It was incredible and it was the best summer I have ever had in my life!!! I am going to miss Miss Valarie and Bobby from Burger King. I am going to miss all of my friends from project as well. But it was a see you later.
Head back to Toledo on Friday-pray I can handle this transition. I have fear of living alone because I have experienced such amazing community this summer.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

4 more days

This week's theme is Community. God has taught me a TON about community this summer. i have experienced it in ways i have never had before and it has truly been a blessing to me to see how it has impacted my life this summer. This is the week of the last of project. Monday was the last weekly meeting. We did a weird game with a pie, and somehow i had to do it. i had to find mms in a pie. i found 17 out of the 20 so not bad i suppose! Monday was my last day at BK. Our manager Valarie gave us a card and a little thing. Mine is an angel that says a gift from god. i love it!! yesterday Sarah, Jen, Kelsey, Megan and i took val out on a girl date. we went and got our nails done and then to lunch. i am definitely going to miss val for a long time. god called us to bk for her. she needed us to encourage and to even pour into our lives. she was all of ours mother here in new jersey. I went to to beach afterwards with Colin Kelsey and Megan. we saw a ton of jelly fish in the ocean so we really didn't play in it that much. My action group met up one more time. Angela guirlene Lauren and i ate dinner with terah shuyue Margo and Brandi and then went to marvis diner for dessert. we talked, reflected and told each other their strengths and weaknesses. i am really praying that the lord continues to work in my life, for me to be more open hearted, to seek and find the Paul's in my life to pour and mentor me and then to even just focus on god see things through his eyes and not worry about my circumstances. today is a TON of debriefing and then project banquet. so crazy to think that project is basically almost over and then ill be heading back to Toledo. ahhh!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Bug bites and swimming pools

Thursday went to Marvis Diner with Dana and Nate. I loved getting to see them and tell them about my summer and stuff!! I am glad I got to see familiar faces. I worked then we had our last project dinner-Everything but the Kitchen Sink. I have eaten so many carbs this summer and my tummy is quite upset with me. We had our last Community team meeting as well. We discussed Project Banquet. I hope that some of the stuff we have done this summer I can take back to Toledo and use it there. Friday I worked, ran, and then the directors had a movie night. We watched Where the Wild Things Are. That was such a strange movie. I only watched like half of it. Saturday I worked, played in the sun and then we had a Pancake Outreach from 9pm-midnight. My manager came and it was really fun. We made too much batter so we will basically be eating pancakes the rest of project but we live and learn. I am not sure if anyone came to Christ but there a lot of co-workers so maybe it did!! We had our last family group yesterday. Crest Community Church, which he preached the Gospel and poked fun at the Campus Crusaders. We went to Marvis for lunch and one of the guys in our group, Matt Bull, which we have 3 Matt's all together on this project, anyway he paid for our lunch. I was quite shocked he did that. After lunch, I drove to UpperTownship and met some family. I got to swim in a pool and eat a home cooked meal. it was alot of fun. Pray for Cindy, Eve, and Marlie. They are Jewish and Cindy seemed quite I'm not sure what about me being a Christian and my dad was a catholic and Idk it was quite a discussion if i say so myself about what I am doing this summer. I couldnt really focus during the last night of reflection. My mind was doing all over the place. I dont know why though. Today is my last day at Burger King!! Last weekly meeting tonight and then tomorrow some of us girls are going to take our manager out. We are getting her nails done, then lunch and then going to a free zoo in Cape May. I cant believe project is almost done. At the same time though, I am a little nervous to transition back to Toledo and live alone by myself.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

9 and a surprise guest

I have decided I have to give credit to people who work in fast food. I cant do it. I got so upset yesterday at work because I taking orders in drive-thru, trying to get drinks, and food and trying to push out food all at once. I just couldn't do it and my boss wasn't helping me. i was trying not to cry my eyes out. only 4 more days there and then i will be an experienced fast food person who doesn't like to eat there either lol
I am going to breakfast with Dana and Nate. Dana got me plugged into Cru my freshman year at Toledo and they are on vacation and wanted to see me. so fun!! i am excited to see them both. I have work from 10-4 and then we are having our last project dinner tonight.. the theme is everything but the kitchen sink!!! Last provision/prayer party as well. Everything is starting to wind down. I have bought a few things to help me remember Wildwood when i am back in Sandusky/Toledo. Dave, Cary and Lauri are coming back here on Tuesday to finish out project with us. I am really starting to crave home and school friends though. I am very proud of myself for choosing this decision to go on a project. I will NEVER forget about it and it has DEFINITELY changed my life :)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

10 more days

Monday night Stacey gave the talk and this week we are thinking about the Second Coming of Jesus. Sometimes this topic really scares me, but for some weird reason this week I haven't had much trouble with it. Yesterday, Katy, Terah, Salina, Lily, and I went to Philly to hang out for the day. We went to Franklin Square, the Liberty Bell, Chinatown, Independence Hall and walked around a few other places. It was a very nice trip and I am so grateful to have these wonderful friends here on project. Last night we were divided into groups and we all participated in a scavenger hunt. Jeff, Esther, Brandi and I first started the evening off at a Mexican restaurant and then we came back to the house to start the hunt. I totally gave up half way through because some of the clues and hints were just way too confusing and/or challenging. I work today and then tonight is Action Group and International Cafe. The last for each of them. It is quite crazy to think I'll be back in Ohio in 10 days and then moving into my apartment in 16. Ahh!!!! I feel like I have so much to do, and yet mom has done alot for me so I feel like I'm not terribly stressed out about this. Senior year round number two will start August 23rd and I have a huge feeling it is going to be my best year of college yet.

Monday, August 2, 2010

dead fish and caught bouquets

Thursday I worked and then we had southern cooking' theme for project dinner. I didn't eat much because there wasn't enough for 44 of us. Afterwards we had a meeting and then prayed. i went to bed and got up at 230. Tyler took me to the airport and I arrived back in OHIO at 1030 :) Mom picked me up, we went home, i got my BCI/FBI thing done for school and then got my dress pressed. I took a shower and then went to the rehearsal and then dinner. it was alot of fun. The girls went back to Laura's house while the guys went to the beach to have a bonfire. Saturday i got up and got my hair and makeup done, and then i was dropped off at Laura's. We all got ready and then went to the church for pictures. We all looked so beautiful. At 4 we went into the church, I walked in with Cameron and walked out with Robbie and Brandon. Laura and Alex are married and their wedding was SOOO beautiful!! I'm so glad i got to celebrate with them. after the wedding, they rode around the block on a horse carriage. we took more pictures and then went to the reception. we did OHIO state theme since they both went there. They cut the cake, which Laura smashed into Alex's face and then tanner and mike gave their speeches. we ate and then danced. I found a dead beta fish on the table and tanner and i saved it and it swam away the rest of the night. I caught the bouquet and so if you re reading this don't worry i don't have a boyfriend and idk when my wedding will be. lol I had a huge delayed flight to GA yesterday and got into NJ at 630. Carolyn and Ciara picked me up. I shared my weekend, we got food and then I came back and went to bed. I cant believe there is only 12 more days of project. Insane. Love and miss you all

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Christ Like Girls

This week we are talking about purity. We are diving into struggles and learning to be pure in Christ. Well.....soo last night we were suppose to have a girl/guy purity event. All the girls walked down to the beach by ourselves and we didnt see any of the guys. We went to the pier and see the guys all circled together. We knew something was up. We knew they planned something for us. We get to the end of the beach, which is like a mile walk just to the water, and there are tshirts and sheets gently placed on the sand. Our guys are all wearing little fake "tux" shirts and two of them are "hiding" behind each other. Matt H and Boaz jump up front and they play us some songs they wrote to us. They wrote songs to a song by Brian Mcknight and then Hero. They were so cute and all us girls were laughing our heads off. While they were singing Tim and Dan passed out princess/dinosaur coloring pages sheets to us that they did for us. They fed us dessert and then we begged them to play some worship songs for us. *Sigh* Then the guys told us we had to go back to the house and go into the backyard. We get back there and Robert and Nick had set up the projector and a sheet for us to watch a movie outside. The guys picked out a chick flick for us and they watched Little Manhattan with us. That movie was super cute. We all laughed and some of the guys even liked it. This was super cute and I seriously feel like they do really care about each and every one of us.
I went to the water park with 11 other people yesterday and it was super fun!! I am so glad I went with them. i am doing nothing today and then work tomorrow. i am leaving tomorrow night/early morning to head to Atlantic City to catch a flight to go to Ohio for the weekend. My best friend Laura is getting married on Saturday!! Ahh

Sunday, July 25, 2010


Thursday night we ate Around the World themed project dinner. I didnt get anything because it was all gone by the time I got there but its okay. We had prayer and then I went to bed. Friday I worked and then went to Marvis diner with Megan. It was a lot of fun. We got to chat and I really got to know her a little more. Yesterday I worked. We had a water/popsicle outreach yesterday. It was 115 degrees here and we were out on the boardwalk sharing and handing out these items. It was hot but Angela and I got through it. Last night we had our Fabulous feast for the wildwood men. We made BBQ chicken, brats, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese and brownies. While they were eating, we divided into groups of four and set out to pray for our godly brothers here on project. We also each wrote individual letters to the guys. i wrote one to Robert, who is from Ball State. After this ended, 16 girls(there are 26) sat in a room that houses 4 girls and played Never have I ever and I have for like over an hour. We laughed, told deep dark secrets about ourselves and just basically grew to love one another even more. Today after family group I am going to Ocean City to visit my friend Jordan who is there on Summer Project. 20 more days in NJ and then it will be time to go back to Toledo.
I do still believe that i am truly beautiful, but lately my heart hasnt been feeling it. I just idk cant see why someone would ever want me since Im not the society body type. Pray for my heart right now. The lord is still working on me and I am letting him, just sometimes i just struggle i guess. I am truly letting him take all of me and change me. Pray I dont go back to old ways and I can let the Lord just romance me and see myself the way he truly created me to be.
Prayer Request~
1. heart continues to be captured
2. pour into the students these last 20 days
3. fall more in love with jesus
4. all the hearts of the people we havent talked to on the boardwalk
5. my safe travels when i go home on friday for my friends wedding i am in

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Home Sick

Tuesday we went on a prayer scavenger hunt. We walked to all the different places we all work at and prayed. It was really cool. Tuesday night I cried myself to sleep. Valley of the grieving process really got me and I just really started to miss dad and stuff. I had yesterday off so I just relaxed and spent a lot of time with God. I went sharing with Mike last night. We went all the way past the convention center and we kept seeing people sharing with others. We thought maybe it was the Ocean City Summer Project kids here. Wrong-there is a chapel on the boardwalk and the people who run it were out sharing with people. We talked to Jake,Andrew and Grace. It was rather encouraging and even refreshing to seeing other believers like me out on the boardwalk sharing their faith. I kind of want to go to something on theirs one night to see what they talk about and stuff.
I am really starting to miss home, my bed, my family, my best friends and Toledo. I love being here and having this community but at the same time I am starting to miss everything I have always known. New Jersey is too hot for me, and I am starting to feel emotionally exhausted. Pray for me please

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Tugs on my heart

Everyone knows my calling is elementary education. I have been throwing up the idea of getting my masters in special education or curriculum. Ever since I got here to project and saw that there was a deaf student my heart has been very interested. Auzy works at Burger King with us, which titles 7 to our gang. I have learned alot of sign language and I have slowly felt God calling me to do. I am still praying if I want to intern with Crusade when I graduate but lately I have been having my heart turn for inner city and now special needs kids that I honestly feel like I am relying on the Lord to provide me a teaching job when I graduate in May.
These past few months being here in New Jersey I have had a lot of friends get married, or engaged and now pregnant. I have been single for my whole life and have never been kissed. (whoever marries me will be a lucky lad :) ) Lately though I have been feeling really left out in this season of life. I desire to get married and to spend my life with the guy God created for me. I want to glorify God with a man who is passionate about God as I am. It is just so very hard for me to wait on God's timing with this season and to be patient. It is just getting so frustrating though. Please pray for me in this area of my life.
We are studying 1 Thessionalians as a project and this week we are focusing on investing in the eternal. I am praying that the Lord keeps letting me show light to my co-workers and to the other students on this project. I am starting to miss home and it is crazy to think Ill be back in Ohio in 10 days for Laura's wedding and then 25 to start my 5th year of college.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Culture Shock

Tuesday night the training went well. We talked about the natural mode of sharing our faith. Wednesday the action group Im in with ate with one of the guy apartments. it was really fun! I went out sharing that night with Katy and Jeff. We didnt talk to very many people but I really got to know both of them a little more. Thursday we did Kids theme for project dinner. It was quite fun!!! That night we went to A Closer Walk. Pocket Full of Rocks was the worship and they were quite good. A guy name Joel gave the talk. A bunch of youth kids raised their hands and came over to talk to us/pray with us. I talked to a 12 yr old girl name Emily. She said she had lost 3 people in her life within the year. I shared a little bit of my story and then I got to pray with her. It was quite encouraging. After work on Friday, Stacey and I went the Cape May County 4-H Fair. The food was amazing!!! When we got back we went back to a Closer Walk. Building 429 did the worship and then Joel and his wife gave a talk about relationships. They told their engagement story and it was quite intense. We watched the fireworks because it kept interupting the talk and then we did the altar call again but noone really wanted to get prayed with. Saturday I worked and then after lunch we went to Atlantic City to go sharing!! It was quite different on the boardwalk than here in Wildwood. I felt like a spiritual warfare was going on the whole time. Casinos and a lot of older people. Some of the students got cursed at, while others got into talks about 5th dimensions. After outreach, a group of us went to the mall and then went to Rainforest Cafe for a girl's birthday. Yesterday I went to church then burnt my face while playing in the ocean and spent my night of reflection sitting on a lifeguard chair. One of the girls birthday was last night and we threw a tiny surprise party for her after night of reflection. I have work and then weekly meeting today. I have tomorrow and Wednesday off. I hope i can relax and get some good running in.
Prayer Request-
~feel a little homesick
~continue to heal from the grieving process
~Atlantic City

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Servants heart

My testimony went well last night. I wasnt even nervous!! I have today off, and its pretty crappy weather here today. Terah and I are going to encourage people's stomach this morning and make pancakes for our Tuesday off bunch!! I am excited to make these, and to just love on my brothers and sisters here. Tonight we have a training, then tomorrow is action group and then international cafe. Tomorrow night my action group I am in is combining with one of the guy apartments and having dinner together. i am excited to do this. Thursday we are helping out with an event that is on the boardwalk called A Closer Walk. There is a place called Morey's Pier and we are going to help with the altar call. I am excited to see what this event will look and see to what the impact is has on these high schoolers!!!
Prayer Request:
~Love my roommates
~Have a loving/caring/gentle heart
~A Closer Walk

Monday, July 12, 2010

New me

Thursday night we said goodbye to the Staff. When we were praying for the leaders, the staff just left during prayer. What a goodbye!! Friday I worked and then hung out with Terah. We went to a lighthouse and sat on a rock. We spent some time with the Lord and then met Matt, Katy and Margo at this BBQ festival. It wasnt bad. We just walked around and looked at everything. We came back and walked to the beach to watch fireworks. Saturday I worked till noon and then we had the afternoon free. It was raining so I just watched some of 7th heaven with Sarah and then made the cinnamon rolls for project dinner. The theme was Brinner. It was super!! After dinner we had a few minutes before team meeting so I decided to join in the fun of volleyball. BAD idea! Got hit in the jaw with the ball!! After the meeting all the girls threw a surprise party for Erin. it was her 21st! We had mocktails and ate cake. We also had a dance party. I went to church and had family group yesterday. I went to the beach for an hour and a half. I wanted to go running yesterday and I went with Colin and Jake! Bad idea. I almost puked, it was super hot and they run crazy fast. We did a servant leadership thing before night of reflection. I am involved in the community team the rest of project and the girl leader Katy washed my feet. It was very humbling. I spent my night of reflection on the beach and God gave me an amazing sky picture as well :) I have to work at BK today and then tonight at the large meeting, I am giving my testimony. day off tomorrow! Terah and I are using our servant hearts and encouraging people with pancakes in the morning!! Love and miss everyone!
~Student loan went through
~Bill for fall is all paid for!
Prayer request:
~testimony goes smoothly
~learning to fall more in love with jesus
~being a huge community and holding each other accountable

Thursday, July 8, 2010


Oh my goodness!! NJ has been having a HUGE heatwave this week. Monday was like 98. Tuesday was 107. Yesterday was like 95. I feel hot, sticky and gross everyday lately. Saturday we had outreach and that went really good. I went sharing with a guy name Joe and he talked to 2 guys and the conversation went pretty good. We had our last Women's night with the staff Saturday evening. My discipler said some really encouraging things to me and I am glad others are seeing my steps of faith and God working in my life. Sunday I went to church, beach and then had night of reflection. God brought up some stuff in my life that night and I just cried and cried. The fireworks here were SOOO amazing!!! They were definetly better than Cedar Point that's for sure. Monday I worked, then my friend Holly and her cousin Jamie came to visit me. We went to a diner for dinner and then they came to our weekly meeting. Cary Miller finished the talk on the book of Galatians. I learned a lot from this series. I hope I can continue to take steps of faith and find my freedom in Christ that I was given for FREE!! Tuesday was my day off-went running, errands, beach, had my last d-ship with Deanna. We got icecream and talked about what all God has done in my life these past 5 weeks. We had the night off so I just hung out around the house and chilled. I worked yesterday and we had our last action group with Deanna. We went to a diner and then to a lighthouse. My action group had international cafe last night and that was pretty cool. I met people from all sorts of different places. I have work today and then tonight is our dessert banquet and the staff are heading over the project to us. AHH Staff leave on Saturday. Crazy!!
Prayer Request:
~See God as my love and I dont need to be in a relationship even though I desire it.
~Seek God wholeheartedly and fall more in love with Him.
~Hearts of the international students

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Grace and Truth

Tuesday night we had a thing called Cross Cultural night. I went to Thailand and Turkey. Its funny Turkey used to be my campus' partner country so I knew a few of the things they talked about that night. I experienced Iran-which is water, yogurt and salt. it was GROSS. Some of the Thailand food was good. Pray for these countries, that spiritual warfare stops and they can come to know Christ. Wednesday I worked, then we had project dinner and then team meeting. When the staff leaves in a week, I will be on the community team. We came up with some cool ideas and I hope we get to do a few of them. Thursday I worked and then had action group. We made chicken and dumplings!! So good! I want to make them again. We talked about purity and other issues. I am praying that someday the Lord gives me this desire that I have and the guy he has for me comes into my life. I went sharing that night when a guy name Robert and a girl I live with name Guirlene. It was pretty good. We talked to four people and the two guys seemed really interested in what we were having to say to them about the gospel and stuff. Yesterday I worked and then went grocery shopping. last night I played a game called Geocach. We took a GPS and walked around trying to match up with the the latitudes and longitudes we were given. When they match up you were suppose to find a little thing that people have left behind. It was pretty fun. It was super dark when we went so we didn't find anything. I worked this morning then we sharing on the boardwalk. I went sharing with Joe. He had a sweet conversation with two guys but I felt so left out because I'm not a guy. Tonight is women's night. Tomorrow is church, afternoon off, night of reflection and then fireworks. I love and miss you all so much!!
~I have energy to get through the VERY hot days
~Heart continues to grow and learn
~Last week with staff before they leave
~hearts for people myself and the other 43 students haven't encountered with yet

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

NOT giving up

Thursday night we had international cafe'. I walked around with Dan and Lily to hand out flyers for Saturday. On Saturday we had a free BBQ. We had a lot of people come. I talked to around 5-6 people that are from Spain. I couldn't really talk to them but one of the girls here could so I found her and she talked to them. Sunday we had a night of reflection. I was sitting on the beach, reading the word and spending time with God. While I was sitting here, I noticed the broken seashells in the sea. I see them all the time, but this time I REALLY noticed them. I picked one up and the Lord told me that is you. I am a broken seashell, but unlike it I can be put back together. The Lord is healing my heart. I am handling the grieving process pretty good right now. I have also been set free from my self-image. I am fearfully and wonderfully made from God. Last night we had a meeting and Lauri, one of the directors, talked about freedom. I am free to LOVE, SERVE, and be ME. Pray that I can truly recognize this. O, and I finished a journal yesterday. I started it on the 5th and yeah. Journal 1 of WWSP is done. Whoa that is insane. I am not giving up on having a positive attitude and placing truth in my life. If you can think of any scripture or words of encouragement to help me in this process, please let me know.
PRAYER Request:
~talk to my coworker Bobby
~Continue to heal
~Continue to see beauty inside of me
~Continue to surrender my failures to the Lord
~Have my heart and mind transformed into a positive light attitude

Thursday, June 24, 2010


The Lord has been doing crazy things in my heart with the grieving process. I have been feeling a lot of pain and hurt coming to the surface. I have been emotionally drained the last few days because I have been just crying a lot. I am starting to feel like I am slowly healing from losing my dad.
Some people know that I have been struggling with my self image. Well the Lord finally broke me free from everything last night. I went to bed feeling weightless and this morning I woke up feeling so amazing. I had such a great attitude at work. I am starting to feel tired right now, but man I am so excited to see what else the Lord is going to do in my life the rest of my time here in Wildwood.
Pray that I continue to renew my spirits from God, to keep believing all of the truths into my heart. I want to stay this crazy and happy the rest of my life!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Battle Wounds

I'm typing this with great difficulty. I cut my fingers on the tomato slicer at work yesterday. Its not too bad but I am wearing 2 band-aids on my fingers. Pray for healing and no scars! Pray that they stop hurting as well. With this pain, I am realizing Jesus Christ went through alot more pain when he died on the cross for me. So crazy. Love and miss u all!

Monday, June 21, 2010


Friday night a whole group of us went and saw Toy Story 3. I liked it alot, but I did shed some tears at the end. Saturday I went sharing with John and it was amazing! We used Soularium, which is a tool Campus Crusade uses to get into conversations. It has 5 questions and people use pictures to answer these questions. I like this tool alot because it gets into pretty deep conversations. The second group we talked to was a group of 4 girls. They were all college age and we had a really indepth spiritial talk with them. None of them came to christ but it was good to talk to people and have them ask us questions and stuff. Saturday night was men/womens night and the women we went on a dolphin watch. It was sooo amazing!! I loved watching the sunset and being reminded of God's beauty and peace that He can give His children. I thought it was awesome the captain of the boat drove right next to a pod of dolphins and they played hide and seek with us. Yesterday was the first church service I went to since dad died. Yesterday was rough. I cried during my quiet time, crid twice in church. I wasnt having a good day. I didnt want to go to church but at the same time my friend Carolyn was very supportive of me as a sister in Christ and was there for me in my time of need. The community here on project is so much more amazing than anything i have ever experienced. I have to work today and then we have our weekly meeting tonight. Im praying I can spend some wonderful time with the Lord tomorrow on my day off and with my discipler. Pray for my heart as it is feeling very heavy and sad. I am also feeling adequate and not worthy of being a women of god. Love you all

Thursday, June 17, 2010


Lately I have been feeling like I have too much of the world on my shoulders. I am going heavy in the grieving process right now. My whole life feels like it is back to that day when I got that call. I have been isolating myself from the others because I feel like no one understands what is going on in my life. I feel so left out alot of times, but I talked to some of the girls last night and I am going to keep telling people about this and to have people walk in this issue with me. Pray that I can get through this. I am getting forced to go to church on Sunday and I am scared to death to go. I dont want to go because I know what they will talk about and I dont want to have a breakdown in a church that I have only been in twice since being here. I am starting to really feel the weight of my body issues. I am still desiring to be thin and to feel beautiful but I really am trying.
Work is cutting hours and I am hopefully going to keep qualifying in having 30-40 hrs a week at Burger King. Action Group tonight-I hope I can connect with the girls and not be such a hermit.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

SunShine and Jesus Loving

I have been at Burger King for a week now. I am starting to feel more comfortable there. It is still a rough environment for me to be in but I am starting to get used to it. Last week we had a Mexican dinner theme on Wednesday and tomorrow is Disney!! I am pumped to see what movie everyone will come up with. Every Thursday we have an International Cafe-I prayed for it last week. Pray that internationals come to communicate with Americans and we can go into spiritual conversations. Saturday we had an outreach day, and I went with a guy named Tim. We didn't get to talk to many people, but I am still praying that one of these days this summer I will lead someone to Christ!! Saturday night we had a Women's night and I become very vulnerable, telling all the girls and staff on this project some of the struggles I have dealt with in my life. Pray that I continue to share my heart with the women here. Tonight we are doing some crazy things involving wearing athletic clothing. O boy! I am loving it here. Mom and brother came to visit me on Sunday and it was good to see people from OHIO!! Continue to pray for me as Sunday is Father's Day and I am missing dad more and more as time goes on here in Wildwood. Also pray that hearts get opened and people want to accept Jesus into their hearts. I love and miss everyone.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Burger King is so stressful!! I wish I was lifeguarding than doing this to be honest. But this is where the Lord has called me for the summer so I must continue to trust Him on this. I have been very exhausted alot lately. Pray that I rely on Him for strength and energy to make it through each day. I havent been feeling well lately, but I am just trucking along pretending that i am okay. I am starting to miss my grandparents. My mom and brother are coming to NJ and I get to see them for a little bit tomorrow. YAY!! Off to work :/

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Littl Update

Well I am starting to feel better about being here. I have connected with a few girls here. I am starting to be confident in telling others my story and not being afraid of what others may think.
We have gone out sharing twice already and I am pumped to do it more. I have a job for the summer-Burger King. Pray for the people I will come into contact with and that they will be open to what we have to say. I work with 3 other girls that are here on project. There is a deaf student here and we all get to learn sign language. I am pumped to learn alot this summer!!!
It is very HOT here!! I almost passed out yesterday. It is so gross and icky feeling here!!!
Pray that I start to feel more confident that the Lord is doing crazy stuff in my heart and mind. I love and miss you all!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I am HERE!!

I arrived in Wildwood yesterday. I am still scared out of my mind. I room with 5 other girls and share a bathroom with 13. I feel like I wont make any friends. I am acting quite shy here which is strange for me. Some facts- took me 13 hrs to get here. I drove myself. I could barely hear most of PA. I cant pump my own gas in NJ-someone will do it for me. You cant text/call while driving. There are Wawa, Quickchecks and shoprites. The boardwalk is so beautiful. The night sky is goregous and the beach seems forever long!! Pray that I find a job, find a friend, find freedom in struggles in areas, and most of all TReAsure the lord!!

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Time Has Come

11 A.M. on Monday May 31st, 2010 I will climb into my car for Wildwood, NJ. I have my bags packed(except for the few last loads of laundry I need to accomplish) I have to charge my MP3 player and finish cleaning up my bedroom. I keep thinking in my mind if my heart is seriously prepared for this. I was talking to one of my staff on the phone today from school, Jessi, and it is so surreal to me that I am leaving at the end of this weekend. I still need to hang out with my brother, my friend Beth and Laura and Jessica and others. I still need to say goodbye to church family. I need to call a friend, my grandparents. I have all my errands done. I feel like I don't have everything ready but yet on my floor in my room is my things all neatly piled up ready for me to pack it into the car and head to a state I was called to go to. I can't freak out anymore. I must let go. Let go of the fears and the anxiety that is pouring through my blood. I AM leaving on Monday. I have ALL my support raised :) I have prepared myself the best that I can. I just have to take my things, my car and my mind and let God do the rest. I am expecting the Lord to do crazy things this summer. I'm diving into this summer with my knees smacking together and my arms strectched out. I am letting God take FULL control of my summer. I am giving Him my ALL. I want Him to wreck me, to let the joy pour into my heart. I know it is going to be challenging. I know I am going to miss friends and family, but I have to obey my Savior. He is going to win my heart all over again this summer. Lord, take all of me. I am letting you have YOUR way with me!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Last bits of home

The month of May has been flying by. I need to finish packing and making sure I have everything before I leave for NJ next Tuesday at 3 A.M. I am ready for new adventures, sunshine, crisp humid air, God's masterpiece called an Ocean and other stuff I will come into contact this summer. I am anxious to get to project and seeing what all the Lord does in my heart and mind. I am ready to see what happens to the lifes out there. I am nervous to tell others my story and even to see what God does in my life. I am a little sad to leave friends and dear sweet children that are close to my heart, but I know the Lord has called me to go project and he is going to forever change my heart and life.

Must get back to laundry, packing, organizing and beautfiul sunshine that is creeping in through my window.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Pain in my heart

Last night when I was trying to sleep, I started to freak out. My heart was pounding and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. I get them sometimes when I miss my dad. I ended up laying on the futon last night in the living room. I stared at the cherry oak box where my dad's ashes are at for hours. I honestly don't remember what time I felt asleep. All I know is that I crave for his hugs. They weren't like friend hugs. They were the perfect hug. I also felt protected and safe when I got a hug from him. Especially since I was over a foot shorter than dad. I miss his hugs. Alot.

I'm scared. Very scared for project. I am worried that I will cry all the time. I have realized that I have never really grieved. I want to grieve, but o boy I don't want to let go of him. I am worried that when I grieve I will forget him, everything about him. I am also worried that I will die like my dad. Of cancer and other health issues that he had. I know it is probably dumb I freak out over the dumbest things, but sometimes it consumes my thoughts. I surrender it all to the Lord, but then sometimes I feel like it eats at me. Makes me so sad and makes me realize that I am fatherless and noone is there to be that father to me. O lord, give me comfort and your love. I need you more than anything.

Monday, May 17, 2010


I'm starting to really hate home. I feel way bored. I feel like I just sit and do nothing. I hate the rain. I hate that it is cold. I need adventure and something fun to do. I have 15 more days in Ohio. AHHH Im so excited to get out of here and to see what all God has in store for me this summer. I have 83% raised as well. O yeah!! I'm still nervous to see what all happens this summer but I know it will be good.
I am starting to feel so tired lately. I sleep and stuff but I dont know. I always feel tired. I am not a nap person either. I have been really struggling with how I look lately. I am in a wedding this summer and there is two other bridesmaids. They are both so much prettier and thinner than me. I felt so huge compared to the other two. I hope that I lose weight before the wedding so I feel okay about myself. I still need to find a date but I dont know who to ask. Maybe I will just go solo. That is always fun! NOT! I am really hoping when I am on project the Lord does crazy things in my life, in my heart. I am ready for change. I am ready to see what all he has in store for me while I am there. I am just so ready to move on and get freedom from stuff. Ready to see beauty inside of me. Ready to experience Joy again. Ready to see what he has in store for me after i graduate next may.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Letting GO

I've realized that I have to let go of it all that is so deep pressed inside of my heart. Today I just found out that my dad's sister died of cancer as well. Kills me inside because my dad's dad passed away of cancer as well. Will I get cancer as well? I miss my dad more and more as time goes on. I have been home for a week now and all I can think about when I am here is my dad. I am craving for attention from God. I am really trying to spend time with Him and prepare my heart and life for Project but at the same time I cant. I dont feel connected to Him anymore. I feel so dead in spirit like I dont know how to read or journal anymore.

I need to let go of the pain inside of my heart because if I dont, I dont know what I will do on project. I am worried Im going to be the cry baby on project. I want God to break the walls down, to wreck me and to reshape me. I want to be completely different when I come back in August. I am ready to be the woman the Lord is calling me to be. I want to be the woman the Lord has crafted me to be. I want to see myself as beautiful. I want to keep following and serving the Lord. I want to be joyful and to be okay without every second of the day praying for dad back. I want to grieve and know its okay. I want fall SOO in love with God that my friends know that I am different. I want to come back to Ohio in August and have people notice the Lord walks in me, through me. I want to know what all the Lord has in store for my life this coming school year and as I prepare to graduate and go out into the real world and everything. Lord, Take me as I am. Broken, scarred, dented, and bruised. Turn me into the beautiful woman you have called and crafted me to be.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Grin and Bear it

1 year 3 months and 9 days. I feel like I could countdown forever. I ache for him. I want my dad back in my house so bad. Being home is driving me nuts. I sometimes wish he is in the living room when I walk out of my bedroom, or in the basement. I sometimes feel like a broken toy that can't ever be broken. I am just sitting on a shelf in the garage waiting to collect dust and be forgotten about. School friends I feel do that to me when summer hit. And you know what, it totally sucks. I crave for friends to care and noone does. I wanna cry out to someone, anything and noone is there. I am trying to hold onto God but I dont feel him. I want to hear his voice, but no response. I want any sign from him and I get a dead end.
In 21 days Ill be 9 hrs and 41 minutes from my house for 11 weeks. In a state I went to when I was four to visit family. In a city that will house me 4 blocks from a beach to share the gospel and pour life onto others. I am excited to meet new people, make friends, live with 4-5 other girls, bible studies, community and fellowship 24/7 and at the same time I'm scared to death. I don't want to tell others my story. I don't want to experience freedom from things. I dont want to cry in front of staff and people I dont know. I dont want to not be home for 11 weeks(except for the wedding JUly 31st I have to be home for). I dont want to not have my normal gang around me. I am scared that I'll get judged or people will hate my story. They wont understand. They wont want to be my friend. Noone will be there for me. Noone will let me cry. Noone will let me do what I want. I feel like I am not going to have a friend to run to when I need a good cry or a talk. I feel like I am not going to be ok with letting go of stuff and letting it be gone. I am scared to have freedom and not know how it feels. I will probably want all that weight and garage back on me. O Lord, where are you? Why am I feeling like this? Can you hear me? Anyone out there?

Thursday, May 6, 2010


I've been back home since yesterday. I honestly want to either 1)be in Toledo 2) be in heaven or 3)be in NJ right now. I'm so lonely. I have no friends. I hate being home alone. I wanna get out STAT!!
This morning I was unpacking some of my stuff from college and realized I have WAY TOO MANY BOOKS. Old books from when I was younger, textbooks, Christian Books, random books, Children books for my classroom when I get one. I have decided to go through SLOWLY and get rid of stuff that I seriously don't need. Why keep things that have no passion in my life anymore? My relationship with God has to be like that. I have to get rid of the clutter and the stuff that is old and I don't need anymore. I have to clean up my life in order to get more and more fulfillment from God. He is the only thing that can notice me. He is the only thing I need in life. I have to CLING to Him and realize that he doesn't notice the baggage like I do in my room. He just sees me dripping in His blood and washing away ALL the sins that I have committed and the sins that will commit. Jesus, thanks for dying on that Cross and taking away all of my sins. Thanks for LOVING me so much that you let me come back each and everytime I don't feel or know that I am adequate to be loved by you.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

My Inner Thoughts

This week has honestly been awful. Classes are all over. I have one final holding me back till Summer. I am basically done with Senior Year Number One. I mean I should be studying for the final I have on Monday, but honestly I've put in around 18 hrs already so I figured this is a break. I am done with my first grade placement and I am going to miss those kids like CRAZY!! I have 31 days till I am in New Jersey and learning so much.
I honestly have been struggling so much this week. I hate the way I look. I wanna be thinner and more beautiful. I've had so many mind games go on in my head that I have even let Satan win a few times. I just want to be set free and I feel like God isn't answering my prayers. I'm praying that he changes my heart, my mind, my sight so that I am free from this, so that I can see myself as beautiful and I dont care what I look like. Also I am really struggling with the whole single thing. I am content but Im starting to freak out that I am not going to find the guy that God has for me. God where are you in the mist of all the toils in my life??

Sunday, April 25, 2010

My Little Girl

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know
I remember I thougth you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You've had me wrapped around your finger since they day you were born

Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You" in the moonlight at your door
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More"

Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half
that makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man
I know he'll say that he's in love
But between you and me
He won't be good enough

Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

Tim Mcgraw your song has captured my heart and has made me miss my dad even more today than I have ever felt. I wish I could give him one more hug and feel his 6'1'' frame around my 5 foot shortness. I want to be his morning glory, I want to look into his eyes and tell him that I love him and I'll be his little girl...O heart stop breaking.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Past is History

I went to Spring Getaway this weekend. Today, the speaker was talking about how sometimes the past controls you and you need to let it go. I have really struggled with where my dad is. I wonder daily where he is-heaven or hell. It bothers me because I wish I had more time so I could have told him more about Jesus, to share the Gospel with him. I also realize that if I had more time, I wouldn't be where I am today with my relationship with God. I can't let guys not liking me break my heart and my self-esteem. I need to let go of all of that, so that I can move on with life and see myself as beautiful. I desire so much to be skinny and gorgeous, but at the same time, I know that if I let go of this struggle, I'm not sure what I'll do if I feel so FREE and knowing my life is truly surrendered to the Lord. I'm struggling with that lately. I am wanting to move on and let my life experience emotions I had in my life before my dad passed or even before I started to struggle with body-image.
In 37 days, I'll be in my car driving to NJ with my stuff to go spend 11 weeks on a beach, growing so passionately in love with the Lord and having the best summer ever. I am anxious to meet everyone that is going and to see what all the Lord has in store for me, but at the same time I'm scared to death. I wonder if I'll compare myself to the other girls, or if no one likes me? What if I cry every time I tell my Real Life Story? What if I get home sick or start to ache for my friends back at home? What if something tragic happens while I'm there? What if I get really sick, who will take care of me? Who will be there to hold my hand when my life is crashing down or I just need that love and support I've had the past few summers? Not sure what to think of with these questions. I'm really not sure I'm actually ready to experience this summer away from home, in a state I've been to once, and to live with 34 other people I don't know that are from so many different states.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Focusing on the good stuff

Lately I have really been noticing God is working on my heart to be more like Him. I am learning to trust him with the support I need for summer project BTW 58% raisied!!! I am learning that my faith needs to be in HIM and HIM only. I am learning that it is not what is on the outside, but the inside that counts. I am learning that I am a really good listener, sweet friend and I like being short. I am learning that I don't stress out with school as much as I did my freshman year of college(such a long time ago). I am finally learning that I can take risks and do stuff I have never done before. Like-raise support, TEACH first graders, play ultimate, rock climb, run 3 miles.
I know that my last blogs have been sad and heart breaking, but my hear has been aching alot. Alot for dad and for my two sweet friends who lost their father and I just want to pour my heart and soul out there. To help myself cope and to see that I am really going through the motions of grieve and I am starting to get JOY back. Yes that is a word that I can say and see down the road. I want joy back. The Lord will eventually break down that wall and I will see that SON shining through the midst of everything that is going on in my life.
I am very self-conscious and alot of times I hate the way I look. I compare myself to others and I know deep down Im not suppose to do that, but I still do it. I don't stop myself. I just go right along comparing myself to that pretty girl in my class that I would die to look like. Lately though, the Lord is pulling on my heart and telling me that I am beautiful. No one else may see it, but he does. He loves me and he DIED for me to realize this. I am really trying to take off those blinds on my eyes so I can see this and notice it too. Until then, I have to keep reminding myself daily that the Lord loves me for WHO I am and even if a GUY or anyone else doesn't like me the way I look then they AREN'T worth my smile. I am learning to Let Go, and LET GOD! I want to be so wrapped up in God's love that I don't notice anything or anyone that is right next to me.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Restless Dreams

Last night I was up really late, like until after 2. My friend's girlfriend is staying in our suite this weekend and I waited for her to come in. I wanted to just to talk with her and get to know her a little more. Well someone was brought up and I ended up telling her a little of my story-about dad. This word will always stick with me-she told me that I seem STRONG. This morning, while I was doing my quiet time it still stuck with me. I was journaling about it. Saying that I'm surprised she said that because sometimes I wish I wasn't so strong. But then I realize that God has kept me so strong. He is the one that is holding me together. That probably sounds crazy and want to know if I ever cry. YES. I do have my moments where I don't hold it together anymore. I had one last weekend. Like everyday. I just have learned to take it one day at a time. If the emotions hit me, then I let them. If not, then I go on with my day and think of him often. Sometimes I think of his schedule, where he would be. At school teaching those freshmen science, or sitting at the gas station at Kroger waiting on customers and pushing buttons of people jumping up and down to get their gas on the computer lol. I've been reflecting lately on how much my dad impacted me. I basically was raised up really sheltered and always protected. To this day, I feel like way still. I know that I am still wanting to be a teacher, just like him, but without the science role. I know that I am sometimes stubborn and get that look he gave me sometimes. I can be quiet and I tend to be more of the listener in a larger group setting. But if you put me one on one with you, I'll pour my heart out to you. I'll always have those memories and no matter where I go or what I do my daddy will always be there with me.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Thinking back on the past

Today I went roller blading with two friends. Let me tell you-two guys, one girl, a trail that is o 7 miles long=a 2 and a half hr adventure. Most of the time I was alone. I am one of those people who skate slow we say. Well at one point, I was way behind the guys. I was thinking about when I was little. I kept passing girls with their dads. O it broke my heart. I ache to see him one more time. Made me think back to when I was little and learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels. My dad told me he was going to hold on until i was ready. he let go and i instantly plowed into a tree, scraped my hands and knee and bawled my eyes out. i blamed my dad for causing me pain. I feel like this time, losing him is causing that same pain i experienced when i fell off my bike. Obviously I feel like I am not doing well with grief right now. I ache too much for him. I desperatly want him. want to hear his voice and see his face. But I cant.
God is really teaching me right now to be patient. To have peace and let him guide me through his plan for me. IDK why I have this pain still and why I still experience this emptiness I have but I have to learn to see god in the midst of my sadness. right now im so sad im bawling my eyes out while typing this in my really dark dorm room with hillsong "none but jesus" on repeat. i am trying to cling on but i feel like im slipping away. i so want to feel his presence or have someone say they love me, care for me, and want to give me a hug. Jesus-I really want a friend more than anything to be there for me.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I can see clear skies up ahead

I've been wanting to step out of my shell and do something I never would do. For example, I would never consider being a messy person, but right now I want to be. I want the mess in my life to surface and come alive in my everyday walk on earth. I am way too organized and I plan to get stuff done way in advance. I write down everything I have for that day out in my planner. I feel like I take life for granted sometimes. I never thank my friends enough. I never talk to my family enough. I never go for the risks in life enough. I always live life on the side of knowing if something goes wrong its all my fault. I know that life shouldn't be taken for granted. Life is precious and sometimes you wonder if that loved one you lost could have achieved more in life than they accomplished before their time on earth was cut. I wonder what things in life would be held back if my dad was alive. I know there is things that is going on my life my mom is okay with but dad would never be. I cry about that everytime my mom is okay with things. Like Summer Project, living alone in the fall, and other choices I've been making since last Feb. I am stepping out of my shell and going to slowly learn to not to depend on my emotions anymore. I let it get to me way too much. Life comes and goes, as should the feelings and grief from this season in my life. 'Jesus would you please?' Gratitude by Nicole

Monday, April 5, 2010

In my Weakness, I find His Glory

Growing up, I was such a daddy's girl. Like I was so close to my dad, that sometimes I would cry my freshman year of college because I wasn't home with my dad. I would beg him to come see before he would leave Toledo to go home to Sandusky after a full day of being with high school students teaching them the world of SCIENCE. Without him in my life for the past 1 year 2 months and 2 days has made me realize that I have a gap in my life. A HUGE empty gap. My mom tries to fill that gap, and honestly she will NEVER fill the gap. No one can fill that gap. School, friends, relationships, exercise-nothing will replenish the gap in my life that has such a void in it. If you're ever lost someone close to you, you must understand this gap I have and will forever have in my life. I know that God needs to be my heavenly father, but sometimes I cringe at calling him that. Knowing that I don't have someone to legit call dad makes me not even want to call heavenly father dad. This word eats at me a lot. Lately, I have been pondering the whole life season I've been going through. I know that his glory and grace has guided me through this. I remember being at the funeral home the day of the showing. I remember NOT wanting to go. I didn't want to say goodbye. I went up to the coffin and bawled my eyes out. Not a single family member hugged me or comforted me. My brother's best friends dad, who was the pastor who journeyed through this season with us, came up and gave me the biggest hug ever. I remember feeling like I was flowing the whole time I was in the funeral home. Shoot, I took my shoes off and placed them under my grandpa's seat. I didn't shed a single tear the whole time people were there. I cried maybe three times the whole time I was home for everything. Twice at the funeral home and then the Wednesday night I went to church and sat in with the youth group. During worship I bawled my eyes out while my friend Beth comforted me tears streaming down her face. Friends comfort me all the time, well at least they try to. I sometimes wish I had a better way to face my fear and struggles of this. I know my grief will become less and less as time goes on. Sometimes I wish that my dad was here to give me one more hug, to call me his 'morning glory' one more time. I miss him dearly, but with the grace of God, I will have the strength, confidence and love to get through every moment. Even when my mom wants to 'fill' the gap, I know deep down my heart, it never will be filled. That gap will forever be there, but God's blanket of love will 'cover' the gap and let me see the trials and sorrows within it to show me the plan He made for me.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Feeling the pain more than ever

I've decided that I hate the 2nd and 5ths of every month. They bring the pain back. The heartache comes crashing back into my body and I feel like I'm reliving every moment of that awful week. I honestly feel like I am NEVER going to like holidays again. All I want more than ever is daddy. My heart aches for him. To be here to celebrate something that everyone else in the world is joyous over. Sometimes I wish if I will forever feel broken. I am not sue what to do sometimes. Being home makes the pain become more real. I am kind of glad I won't be home this summer. Driving out a highway and then running through my neighborhood brought back all of the memories of last summer. It sure was an awful summer. I had to learn to get grace from God. To rely on Him for everything. I had to learn to battle through the rough days. I would hate the days when I would be at work and I would just start crying in position while I was guarding water. Sometimes I would not even tell anyone. I ha ted that I felt like I had special treatment from them. I know that I am healing and I am learning to be okay after a 1 yr and 2 months, even if I sometimes feelike I am walking through the darkness of a forest with no flashlight.

This song is my comfort while I am sitting in my mom's house all alone....'None But Jesus' By HillSong. "In the chaos, in confusion I know you're Sovereign still in the moment of my weakness you give me grace to do your will"

Monday, March 29, 2010

I feel like I've been doing this wrong the whole time

Its been 1 year, 1 month and 27 days since I got that call at school that my father collasped at home and died. I've gone through all the stages of the process, or whatever they call them. I have had days where I am completely fine and I enjoy life. Other days, I want to crawl back into bed because I feel like I don't understand why God decided this was the plan he has in store for me. Today was one of those days. All I wanted to do was pretend I didn't have class, I didn't have to help with an event, didn't have to worry about the stress of working on lesson plans and other ickys that come with early childhood major. I have realized recently that I may never heal from this season completely. There will be days that are harder than others. I will have "special" moments in my life where all I want is my dad. I know that I experienced one last year-my brother's high school graduation. It was so hot, my mom and I got into a huge fight because I said I wished he was there to enjoy seeing my brother walk across stage with his Top Ten cord and get his dipolma. Everyone handles grieve differently from the next person. I know I have. I know that one day I will know how and why this season occured to me at such a young age in life. I will understand all the questions and thoughts I have had since that day. Until, I have to daily pray for grace, joy, comfort, strength, and guidance to make it through each day. Somedays I'm not sure how I made it through. All I know is that God has been there for me since day one of this season, and He will be there for me the rest of my life.
I've recently been struggling with knowing where my dad is. I struggled with this when it first happened. I wanted to believe that he made the decision to place God in his heart, after hearing that my pastor went and talked to him a few days before his passing. My pastor told me that my dad said he wasn't ready to accept God into his heart. I have had friends that have lost a parent and their parents were believers, so obviously they went to heaven and that friend will see that loved one again when they go to heaven. Me on the other hand-I feel like I'll never been reunited with my dad. He is in hell. He is burning every single that I am still living on earth. I sometimes wish that I would have talked to him more about God. To see where he stood. He supported everything I did with Cru, even though sometimes I had to beg him to let me go on a missions trip or an event through Cru, but none the less he gave me the permission to do what I was passionate about. I'll probably never know where my dad is. I can beat myself up about this question that still eats me inside, or I can go on with reality.I know that I can't go back into time and change an opportunity or talk to him more about God, but I can change the heart of my mom and my brother. I can pour into their lives and try to change their hearts. I can't save people, but I can plant that seed in their heart.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Peace in the chaos

I took this picture when I went to Big Break for Spring break the beginning of the month. This picture is so calming. I remember standing outside of the balcony looking at the Gulf of Mexico and thinking of my life the year before. I was so desperate for God to come and touch me that I was doing everything I knew to do. I cried out to God, screamed, journaled, cursed(hence the angryness I had), become depressed. I had so many awful thoughts crawling into my mind that when I was down at Big break the year before, I had the biggest break down I had since everything happened in Feb. I was sitting on the sand at night, while the guys were smoking their sick cigars. I was about 500 feet away from them. I remember sitting on the sand, knowing I was being "watched" by the guys and looking at the moon. It was a full moon that night and I could hear the words of a friend telling me that when I looked at the moon I could remember my daddy. I sat there, in the wind, praying to God. I was also talking to my dad and then it hit me. The loneliness, the anxiety, the dreadfulness I had been holding back for almost a month now. I was crying, streams of tears rolling down my face. I sat there for about 10 minutes and realized I couldn't get myself together. I wanted to go back to my condo and be alone. To have my journal and write down my emotions. I went up to the guys, after I collected myself and remembered I had to have an escort back, and asked for someone to walk me back. But looking at one of the guys made me lose it again. I stood there in a circle with 10 guys and my sweet friend Valerie. I was crying so hard that I almost fell over. I remember being held by one of my guy friends and Mel decided that they needed to pray. All I can remember is that after they prayed, I had a peace in me that I hadn't experienced since the season of grief entered my heart. I was so joyous because I felt the love of God pouring out of my friends onto me. Now I am going to be honest, I have had moments where I wanted daddy back in my life. To experience his presence just once more, but then reality kicks me and tells me that its my norm anymore. My norm is a 3 person family and the head of the house isn't there anymore. I have to daily remind myself that God is my father, even if I don't want to admit it. I have to daily pick up my cross and know that God is bigger than the world. He is there with me in this storm. I haven't cried like that since then, but I keep praying that sometime I break down and let it all out. Until then, I must clearly ask for peace. Peace to see the plan God has for me. Peace to make it through the day. Peace to know that I will eventually be okay and the joy I experienced once in my life will come back. Peace to see the normal life and to know its quite alright to move on and see the sun shining. Calmness will come and go, the tears and pain will hit me for the rest of my life, but the season of grief I have been going through since January, is going to get me to a place where I can know that the plan I never saw coming is the one God had in store for me. That even though I don't have my earthly father, I have a heavenly father. Peace is calling my name.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The well is dry

Before my dad passed away I barely cry. I sometimes feel like I am never emotional anymore. I used to cry at the littlest things but now I barely cry when I am sad. This has been bothering me alot lately. I have a friend that lost their father recently, and this new still rips at my heart. I remember going to the funeral home and totally freaking out. I didn't want to be there at all. I was so scared I was going to cry. I didn't want to say anything to him or his sister because I knew how he was feeling. When I found out this news, I wanted to cry. Cry for him, for his sister, for his family but nothing happened. I wanted to cry because I know how he felt but I couldnt. I barely ever cry and it seriously is annoying. I pray daily for the Lord to let me cry but nothing happens. I wonder daily if something is wrong with my tear ducts. Or if when my dad passed away, he took my tears with him. I have not a clue why this has happened to me, but at all I know is that when everything going on around me, my life feels like it wants to just break. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown but nothing ever happens.
For over an hour now I have been listening to this song called Fix You by Coldplay. I was watching a friend's video of the day of her wedding and this was the song playing when everyone walked in. I really wish that sometimes the Lord could fix me, my life, my heart, my emotions. But at the same time I also feel like God has placed this season in my life to grow and mold me. I so want to cry but at the same time I also want to one day be okay and have that joy back in my life. Until then, Im going to pray all the time that I can cry. To break down and grieve the way Jesus grieved for his friends.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Weight of the World

Being a Senior in college does have its ups. I applied for Student Teaching today. YAY I am seriously so excited to be almost done with college. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am however sad that I am not graduating with some of my friends here. I do get to spend another semester/year with awesome friends that are under me, or the same year as me but its not the same. I have 69 more days till I go on Summer Project. I feel so stressed with school, raising support, and everything else that is going on in life I seriously feel so weighed down. Like I sorta wanna have a mini melt down and just cry. I am then reminded of James 1:2-4 and man I then realize that all the trials and everything else Im going through is making my faith in God SOO much better. I have realized that I am beautiful, no matter what the world says. The world may tell me Im fat and ugly, but The KING is enthralled by my BEAUTY. Psalm 45:11 is so dear and precious to my heart. Even thought a lot of my friends are engaged(12 weddings this summer) and so many friends are in relationships I have to daily remind myself that I am HIS and when I am so wrapped up in my relationship with God, that precious Godly Man will sweep me off my feet and I won't know what else to do. I so can't wait to see what all the Lord has in store for my summer. The weight of the world won't be on my shoulders. All I will care about is me and God. Me and my co-workers. I won't worry or even think about other things. Yes I will miss friends and family but O man, me and Jesus-that bond will be SOO incredibly tight I am 100% sure that I will NEVER be the same after June 1st.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Feeling So burdened

1 year, 1 month, 20 days ago my heart was forever broken. I miss him dearly. He was my favorite person EVER. I sometimes pray that the Lord would grant me a wish to see him for once more. I have been really missing him lately after finding out a dear friend here at school lost his dad unexpectedly. I so feel for him. I truly understand what he is going through. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if my father was still alive. I wonder how I would act, who would be in my life, how my relationship with the Lord would be, if I would still be in the major I have. Would I actully be graduating in May? Would I be going on Summer Project with Campus Crusade and living my life for the Lord 11 weeks in Wildwood,NJ with 34 other people I don't even know or know their stories? I honestly wish my life wasn't the way it was. At the same time, if I hadn't experienced this huge storm in m life, I don't even know if I would be where I am right now on my journey in life. Don't get my wrong, I think about him everyday of my life, but lately I feel like I am back to square one when I was dealing with the worse news a 21 year old girl never wants to get while she is an hour from her house and she can't do anything but walk back to her dorm from the rec on that cold Feb. day and worry about her friend who needs a ride to the art museum that night for a class. I am a girl who got that phone call 1 year, 1 month and 2o days ago. I am forever changed but at the same time, I wouldn't be who I am now.