Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Grin and Bear it

1 year 3 months and 9 days. I feel like I could countdown forever. I ache for him. I want my dad back in my house so bad. Being home is driving me nuts. I sometimes wish he is in the living room when I walk out of my bedroom, or in the basement. I sometimes feel like a broken toy that can't ever be broken. I am just sitting on a shelf in the garage waiting to collect dust and be forgotten about. School friends I feel do that to me when summer hit. And you know what, it totally sucks. I crave for friends to care and noone does. I wanna cry out to someone, anything and noone is there. I am trying to hold onto God but I dont feel him. I want to hear his voice, but no response. I want any sign from him and I get a dead end.
In 21 days Ill be 9 hrs and 41 minutes from my house for 11 weeks. In a state I went to when I was four to visit family. In a city that will house me 4 blocks from a beach to share the gospel and pour life onto others. I am excited to meet new people, make friends, live with 4-5 other girls, bible studies, community and fellowship 24/7 and at the same time I'm scared to death. I don't want to tell others my story. I don't want to experience freedom from things. I dont want to cry in front of staff and people I dont know. I dont want to not be home for 11 weeks(except for the wedding JUly 31st I have to be home for). I dont want to not have my normal gang around me. I am scared that I'll get judged or people will hate my story. They wont understand. They wont want to be my friend. Noone will be there for me. Noone will let me cry. Noone will let me do what I want. I feel like I am not going to have a friend to run to when I need a good cry or a talk. I feel like I am not going to be ok with letting go of stuff and letting it be gone. I am scared to have freedom and not know how it feels. I will probably want all that weight and garage back on me. O Lord, where are you? Why am I feeling like this? Can you hear me? Anyone out there?

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