Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Letting GO

I've realized that I have to let go of it all that is so deep pressed inside of my heart. Today I just found out that my dad's sister died of cancer as well. Kills me inside because my dad's dad passed away of cancer as well. Will I get cancer as well? I miss my dad more and more as time goes on. I have been home for a week now and all I can think about when I am here is my dad. I am craving for attention from God. I am really trying to spend time with Him and prepare my heart and life for Project but at the same time I cant. I dont feel connected to Him anymore. I feel so dead in spirit like I dont know how to read or journal anymore.

I need to let go of the pain inside of my heart because if I dont, I dont know what I will do on project. I am worried Im going to be the cry baby on project. I want God to break the walls down, to wreck me and to reshape me. I want to be completely different when I come back in August. I am ready to be the woman the Lord is calling me to be. I want to be the woman the Lord has crafted me to be. I want to see myself as beautiful. I want to keep following and serving the Lord. I want to be joyful and to be okay without every second of the day praying for dad back. I want to grieve and know its okay. I want fall SOO in love with God that my friends know that I am different. I want to come back to Ohio in August and have people notice the Lord walks in me, through me. I want to know what all the Lord has in store for my life this coming school year and as I prepare to graduate and go out into the real world and everything. Lord, Take me as I am. Broken, scarred, dented, and bruised. Turn me into the beautiful woman you have called and crafted me to be.

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