Sunday, April 25, 2010

My Little Girl

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know
I remember I thougth you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You've had me wrapped around your finger since they day you were born

Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You" in the moonlight at your door
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More"

Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half
that makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man
I know he'll say that he's in love
But between you and me
He won't be good enough

Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

Tim Mcgraw your song has captured my heart and has made me miss my dad even more today than I have ever felt. I wish I could give him one more hug and feel his 6'1'' frame around my 5 foot shortness. I want to be his morning glory, I want to look into his eyes and tell him that I love him and I'll be his little girl...O heart stop breaking.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Past is History

I went to Spring Getaway this weekend. Today, the speaker was talking about how sometimes the past controls you and you need to let it go. I have really struggled with where my dad is. I wonder daily where he is-heaven or hell. It bothers me because I wish I had more time so I could have told him more about Jesus, to share the Gospel with him. I also realize that if I had more time, I wouldn't be where I am today with my relationship with God. I can't let guys not liking me break my heart and my self-esteem. I need to let go of all of that, so that I can move on with life and see myself as beautiful. I desire so much to be skinny and gorgeous, but at the same time, I know that if I let go of this struggle, I'm not sure what I'll do if I feel so FREE and knowing my life is truly surrendered to the Lord. I'm struggling with that lately. I am wanting to move on and let my life experience emotions I had in my life before my dad passed or even before I started to struggle with body-image.
In 37 days, I'll be in my car driving to NJ with my stuff to go spend 11 weeks on a beach, growing so passionately in love with the Lord and having the best summer ever. I am anxious to meet everyone that is going and to see what all the Lord has in store for me, but at the same time I'm scared to death. I wonder if I'll compare myself to the other girls, or if no one likes me? What if I cry every time I tell my Real Life Story? What if I get home sick or start to ache for my friends back at home? What if something tragic happens while I'm there? What if I get really sick, who will take care of me? Who will be there to hold my hand when my life is crashing down or I just need that love and support I've had the past few summers? Not sure what to think of with these questions. I'm really not sure I'm actually ready to experience this summer away from home, in a state I've been to once, and to live with 34 other people I don't know that are from so many different states.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Focusing on the good stuff

Lately I have really been noticing God is working on my heart to be more like Him. I am learning to trust him with the support I need for summer project BTW 58% raisied!!! I am learning that my faith needs to be in HIM and HIM only. I am learning that it is not what is on the outside, but the inside that counts. I am learning that I am a really good listener, sweet friend and I like being short. I am learning that I don't stress out with school as much as I did my freshman year of college(such a long time ago). I am finally learning that I can take risks and do stuff I have never done before. Like-raise support, TEACH first graders, play ultimate, rock climb, run 3 miles.
I know that my last blogs have been sad and heart breaking, but my hear has been aching alot. Alot for dad and for my two sweet friends who lost their father and I just want to pour my heart and soul out there. To help myself cope and to see that I am really going through the motions of grieve and I am starting to get JOY back. Yes that is a word that I can say and see down the road. I want joy back. The Lord will eventually break down that wall and I will see that SON shining through the midst of everything that is going on in my life.
I am very self-conscious and alot of times I hate the way I look. I compare myself to others and I know deep down Im not suppose to do that, but I still do it. I don't stop myself. I just go right along comparing myself to that pretty girl in my class that I would die to look like. Lately though, the Lord is pulling on my heart and telling me that I am beautiful. No one else may see it, but he does. He loves me and he DIED for me to realize this. I am really trying to take off those blinds on my eyes so I can see this and notice it too. Until then, I have to keep reminding myself daily that the Lord loves me for WHO I am and even if a GUY or anyone else doesn't like me the way I look then they AREN'T worth my smile. I am learning to Let Go, and LET GOD! I want to be so wrapped up in God's love that I don't notice anything or anyone that is right next to me.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Restless Dreams

Last night I was up really late, like until after 2. My friend's girlfriend is staying in our suite this weekend and I waited for her to come in. I wanted to just to talk with her and get to know her a little more. Well someone was brought up and I ended up telling her a little of my story-about dad. This word will always stick with me-she told me that I seem STRONG. This morning, while I was doing my quiet time it still stuck with me. I was journaling about it. Saying that I'm surprised she said that because sometimes I wish I wasn't so strong. But then I realize that God has kept me so strong. He is the one that is holding me together. That probably sounds crazy and want to know if I ever cry. YES. I do have my moments where I don't hold it together anymore. I had one last weekend. Like everyday. I just have learned to take it one day at a time. If the emotions hit me, then I let them. If not, then I go on with my day and think of him often. Sometimes I think of his schedule, where he would be. At school teaching those freshmen science, or sitting at the gas station at Kroger waiting on customers and pushing buttons of people jumping up and down to get their gas on the computer lol. I've been reflecting lately on how much my dad impacted me. I basically was raised up really sheltered and always protected. To this day, I feel like way still. I know that I am still wanting to be a teacher, just like him, but without the science role. I know that I am sometimes stubborn and get that look he gave me sometimes. I can be quiet and I tend to be more of the listener in a larger group setting. But if you put me one on one with you, I'll pour my heart out to you. I'll always have those memories and no matter where I go or what I do my daddy will always be there with me.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Thinking back on the past

Today I went roller blading with two friends. Let me tell you-two guys, one girl, a trail that is o 7 miles long=a 2 and a half hr adventure. Most of the time I was alone. I am one of those people who skate slow we say. Well at one point, I was way behind the guys. I was thinking about when I was little. I kept passing girls with their dads. O it broke my heart. I ache to see him one more time. Made me think back to when I was little and learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels. My dad told me he was going to hold on until i was ready. he let go and i instantly plowed into a tree, scraped my hands and knee and bawled my eyes out. i blamed my dad for causing me pain. I feel like this time, losing him is causing that same pain i experienced when i fell off my bike. Obviously I feel like I am not doing well with grief right now. I ache too much for him. I desperatly want him. want to hear his voice and see his face. But I cant.
God is really teaching me right now to be patient. To have peace and let him guide me through his plan for me. IDK why I have this pain still and why I still experience this emptiness I have but I have to learn to see god in the midst of my sadness. right now im so sad im bawling my eyes out while typing this in my really dark dorm room with hillsong "none but jesus" on repeat. i am trying to cling on but i feel like im slipping away. i so want to feel his presence or have someone say they love me, care for me, and want to give me a hug. Jesus-I really want a friend more than anything to be there for me.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I can see clear skies up ahead

I've been wanting to step out of my shell and do something I never would do. For example, I would never consider being a messy person, but right now I want to be. I want the mess in my life to surface and come alive in my everyday walk on earth. I am way too organized and I plan to get stuff done way in advance. I write down everything I have for that day out in my planner. I feel like I take life for granted sometimes. I never thank my friends enough. I never talk to my family enough. I never go for the risks in life enough. I always live life on the side of knowing if something goes wrong its all my fault. I know that life shouldn't be taken for granted. Life is precious and sometimes you wonder if that loved one you lost could have achieved more in life than they accomplished before their time on earth was cut. I wonder what things in life would be held back if my dad was alive. I know there is things that is going on my life my mom is okay with but dad would never be. I cry about that everytime my mom is okay with things. Like Summer Project, living alone in the fall, and other choices I've been making since last Feb. I am stepping out of my shell and going to slowly learn to not to depend on my emotions anymore. I let it get to me way too much. Life comes and goes, as should the feelings and grief from this season in my life. 'Jesus would you please?' Gratitude by Nicole

Monday, April 5, 2010

In my Weakness, I find His Glory

Growing up, I was such a daddy's girl. Like I was so close to my dad, that sometimes I would cry my freshman year of college because I wasn't home with my dad. I would beg him to come see before he would leave Toledo to go home to Sandusky after a full day of being with high school students teaching them the world of SCIENCE. Without him in my life for the past 1 year 2 months and 2 days has made me realize that I have a gap in my life. A HUGE empty gap. My mom tries to fill that gap, and honestly she will NEVER fill the gap. No one can fill that gap. School, friends, relationships, exercise-nothing will replenish the gap in my life that has such a void in it. If you're ever lost someone close to you, you must understand this gap I have and will forever have in my life. I know that God needs to be my heavenly father, but sometimes I cringe at calling him that. Knowing that I don't have someone to legit call dad makes me not even want to call heavenly father dad. This word eats at me a lot. Lately, I have been pondering the whole life season I've been going through. I know that his glory and grace has guided me through this. I remember being at the funeral home the day of the showing. I remember NOT wanting to go. I didn't want to say goodbye. I went up to the coffin and bawled my eyes out. Not a single family member hugged me or comforted me. My brother's best friends dad, who was the pastor who journeyed through this season with us, came up and gave me the biggest hug ever. I remember feeling like I was flowing the whole time I was in the funeral home. Shoot, I took my shoes off and placed them under my grandpa's seat. I didn't shed a single tear the whole time people were there. I cried maybe three times the whole time I was home for everything. Twice at the funeral home and then the Wednesday night I went to church and sat in with the youth group. During worship I bawled my eyes out while my friend Beth comforted me tears streaming down her face. Friends comfort me all the time, well at least they try to. I sometimes wish I had a better way to face my fear and struggles of this. I know my grief will become less and less as time goes on. Sometimes I wish that my dad was here to give me one more hug, to call me his 'morning glory' one more time. I miss him dearly, but with the grace of God, I will have the strength, confidence and love to get through every moment. Even when my mom wants to 'fill' the gap, I know deep down my heart, it never will be filled. That gap will forever be there, but God's blanket of love will 'cover' the gap and let me see the trials and sorrows within it to show me the plan He made for me.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Feeling the pain more than ever

I've decided that I hate the 2nd and 5ths of every month. They bring the pain back. The heartache comes crashing back into my body and I feel like I'm reliving every moment of that awful week. I honestly feel like I am NEVER going to like holidays again. All I want more than ever is daddy. My heart aches for him. To be here to celebrate something that everyone else in the world is joyous over. Sometimes I wish if I will forever feel broken. I am not sue what to do sometimes. Being home makes the pain become more real. I am kind of glad I won't be home this summer. Driving out a highway and then running through my neighborhood brought back all of the memories of last summer. It sure was an awful summer. I had to learn to get grace from God. To rely on Him for everything. I had to learn to battle through the rough days. I would hate the days when I would be at work and I would just start crying in position while I was guarding water. Sometimes I would not even tell anyone. I ha ted that I felt like I had special treatment from them. I know that I am healing and I am learning to be okay after a 1 yr and 2 months, even if I sometimes feelike I am walking through the darkness of a forest with no flashlight.

This song is my comfort while I am sitting in my mom's house all alone....'None But Jesus' By HillSong. "In the chaos, in confusion I know you're Sovereign still in the moment of my weakness you give me grace to do your will"