Monday, March 29, 2010

I feel like I've been doing this wrong the whole time

Its been 1 year, 1 month and 27 days since I got that call at school that my father collasped at home and died. I've gone through all the stages of the process, or whatever they call them. I have had days where I am completely fine and I enjoy life. Other days, I want to crawl back into bed because I feel like I don't understand why God decided this was the plan he has in store for me. Today was one of those days. All I wanted to do was pretend I didn't have class, I didn't have to help with an event, didn't have to worry about the stress of working on lesson plans and other ickys that come with early childhood major. I have realized recently that I may never heal from this season completely. There will be days that are harder than others. I will have "special" moments in my life where all I want is my dad. I know that I experienced one last year-my brother's high school graduation. It was so hot, my mom and I got into a huge fight because I said I wished he was there to enjoy seeing my brother walk across stage with his Top Ten cord and get his dipolma. Everyone handles grieve differently from the next person. I know I have. I know that one day I will know how and why this season occured to me at such a young age in life. I will understand all the questions and thoughts I have had since that day. Until, I have to daily pray for grace, joy, comfort, strength, and guidance to make it through each day. Somedays I'm not sure how I made it through. All I know is that God has been there for me since day one of this season, and He will be there for me the rest of my life.
I've recently been struggling with knowing where my dad is. I struggled with this when it first happened. I wanted to believe that he made the decision to place God in his heart, after hearing that my pastor went and talked to him a few days before his passing. My pastor told me that my dad said he wasn't ready to accept God into his heart. I have had friends that have lost a parent and their parents were believers, so obviously they went to heaven and that friend will see that loved one again when they go to heaven. Me on the other hand-I feel like I'll never been reunited with my dad. He is in hell. He is burning every single that I am still living on earth. I sometimes wish that I would have talked to him more about God. To see where he stood. He supported everything I did with Cru, even though sometimes I had to beg him to let me go on a missions trip or an event through Cru, but none the less he gave me the permission to do what I was passionate about. I'll probably never know where my dad is. I can beat myself up about this question that still eats me inside, or I can go on with reality.I know that I can't go back into time and change an opportunity or talk to him more about God, but I can change the heart of my mom and my brother. I can pour into their lives and try to change their hearts. I can't save people, but I can plant that seed in their heart.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Peace in the chaos

I took this picture when I went to Big Break for Spring break the beginning of the month. This picture is so calming. I remember standing outside of the balcony looking at the Gulf of Mexico and thinking of my life the year before. I was so desperate for God to come and touch me that I was doing everything I knew to do. I cried out to God, screamed, journaled, cursed(hence the angryness I had), become depressed. I had so many awful thoughts crawling into my mind that when I was down at Big break the year before, I had the biggest break down I had since everything happened in Feb. I was sitting on the sand at night, while the guys were smoking their sick cigars. I was about 500 feet away from them. I remember sitting on the sand, knowing I was being "watched" by the guys and looking at the moon. It was a full moon that night and I could hear the words of a friend telling me that when I looked at the moon I could remember my daddy. I sat there, in the wind, praying to God. I was also talking to my dad and then it hit me. The loneliness, the anxiety, the dreadfulness I had been holding back for almost a month now. I was crying, streams of tears rolling down my face. I sat there for about 10 minutes and realized I couldn't get myself together. I wanted to go back to my condo and be alone. To have my journal and write down my emotions. I went up to the guys, after I collected myself and remembered I had to have an escort back, and asked for someone to walk me back. But looking at one of the guys made me lose it again. I stood there in a circle with 10 guys and my sweet friend Valerie. I was crying so hard that I almost fell over. I remember being held by one of my guy friends and Mel decided that they needed to pray. All I can remember is that after they prayed, I had a peace in me that I hadn't experienced since the season of grief entered my heart. I was so joyous because I felt the love of God pouring out of my friends onto me. Now I am going to be honest, I have had moments where I wanted daddy back in my life. To experience his presence just once more, but then reality kicks me and tells me that its my norm anymore. My norm is a 3 person family and the head of the house isn't there anymore. I have to daily remind myself that God is my father, even if I don't want to admit it. I have to daily pick up my cross and know that God is bigger than the world. He is there with me in this storm. I haven't cried like that since then, but I keep praying that sometime I break down and let it all out. Until then, I must clearly ask for peace. Peace to see the plan God has for me. Peace to make it through the day. Peace to know that I will eventually be okay and the joy I experienced once in my life will come back. Peace to see the normal life and to know its quite alright to move on and see the sun shining. Calmness will come and go, the tears and pain will hit me for the rest of my life, but the season of grief I have been going through since January, is going to get me to a place where I can know that the plan I never saw coming is the one God had in store for me. That even though I don't have my earthly father, I have a heavenly father. Peace is calling my name.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The well is dry

Before my dad passed away I barely cry. I sometimes feel like I am never emotional anymore. I used to cry at the littlest things but now I barely cry when I am sad. This has been bothering me alot lately. I have a friend that lost their father recently, and this new still rips at my heart. I remember going to the funeral home and totally freaking out. I didn't want to be there at all. I was so scared I was going to cry. I didn't want to say anything to him or his sister because I knew how he was feeling. When I found out this news, I wanted to cry. Cry for him, for his sister, for his family but nothing happened. I wanted to cry because I know how he felt but I couldnt. I barely ever cry and it seriously is annoying. I pray daily for the Lord to let me cry but nothing happens. I wonder daily if something is wrong with my tear ducts. Or if when my dad passed away, he took my tears with him. I have not a clue why this has happened to me, but at all I know is that when everything going on around me, my life feels like it wants to just break. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown but nothing ever happens.
For over an hour now I have been listening to this song called Fix You by Coldplay. I was watching a friend's video of the day of her wedding and this was the song playing when everyone walked in. I really wish that sometimes the Lord could fix me, my life, my heart, my emotions. But at the same time I also feel like God has placed this season in my life to grow and mold me. I so want to cry but at the same time I also want to one day be okay and have that joy back in my life. Until then, Im going to pray all the time that I can cry. To break down and grieve the way Jesus grieved for his friends.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Weight of the World

Being a Senior in college does have its ups. I applied for Student Teaching today. YAY I am seriously so excited to be almost done with college. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am however sad that I am not graduating with some of my friends here. I do get to spend another semester/year with awesome friends that are under me, or the same year as me but its not the same. I have 69 more days till I go on Summer Project. I feel so stressed with school, raising support, and everything else that is going on in life I seriously feel so weighed down. Like I sorta wanna have a mini melt down and just cry. I am then reminded of James 1:2-4 and man I then realize that all the trials and everything else Im going through is making my faith in God SOO much better. I have realized that I am beautiful, no matter what the world says. The world may tell me Im fat and ugly, but The KING is enthralled by my BEAUTY. Psalm 45:11 is so dear and precious to my heart. Even thought a lot of my friends are engaged(12 weddings this summer) and so many friends are in relationships I have to daily remind myself that I am HIS and when I am so wrapped up in my relationship with God, that precious Godly Man will sweep me off my feet and I won't know what else to do. I so can't wait to see what all the Lord has in store for my summer. The weight of the world won't be on my shoulders. All I will care about is me and God. Me and my co-workers. I won't worry or even think about other things. Yes I will miss friends and family but O man, me and Jesus-that bond will be SOO incredibly tight I am 100% sure that I will NEVER be the same after June 1st.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Feeling So burdened

1 year, 1 month, 20 days ago my heart was forever broken. I miss him dearly. He was my favorite person EVER. I sometimes pray that the Lord would grant me a wish to see him for once more. I have been really missing him lately after finding out a dear friend here at school lost his dad unexpectedly. I so feel for him. I truly understand what he is going through. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if my father was still alive. I wonder how I would act, who would be in my life, how my relationship with the Lord would be, if I would still be in the major I have. Would I actully be graduating in May? Would I be going on Summer Project with Campus Crusade and living my life for the Lord 11 weeks in Wildwood,NJ with 34 other people I don't even know or know their stories? I honestly wish my life wasn't the way it was. At the same time, if I hadn't experienced this huge storm in m life, I don't even know if I would be where I am right now on my journey in life. Don't get my wrong, I think about him everyday of my life, but lately I feel like I am back to square one when I was dealing with the worse news a 21 year old girl never wants to get while she is an hour from her house and she can't do anything but walk back to her dorm from the rec on that cold Feb. day and worry about her friend who needs a ride to the art museum that night for a class. I am a girl who got that phone call 1 year, 1 month and 2o days ago. I am forever changed but at the same time, I wouldn't be who I am now.