Monday, March 29, 2010

I feel like I've been doing this wrong the whole time

Its been 1 year, 1 month and 27 days since I got that call at school that my father collasped at home and died. I've gone through all the stages of the process, or whatever they call them. I have had days where I am completely fine and I enjoy life. Other days, I want to crawl back into bed because I feel like I don't understand why God decided this was the plan he has in store for me. Today was one of those days. All I wanted to do was pretend I didn't have class, I didn't have to help with an event, didn't have to worry about the stress of working on lesson plans and other ickys that come with early childhood major. I have realized recently that I may never heal from this season completely. There will be days that are harder than others. I will have "special" moments in my life where all I want is my dad. I know that I experienced one last year-my brother's high school graduation. It was so hot, my mom and I got into a huge fight because I said I wished he was there to enjoy seeing my brother walk across stage with his Top Ten cord and get his dipolma. Everyone handles grieve differently from the next person. I know I have. I know that one day I will know how and why this season occured to me at such a young age in life. I will understand all the questions and thoughts I have had since that day. Until, I have to daily pray for grace, joy, comfort, strength, and guidance to make it through each day. Somedays I'm not sure how I made it through. All I know is that God has been there for me since day one of this season, and He will be there for me the rest of my life.
I've recently been struggling with knowing where my dad is. I struggled with this when it first happened. I wanted to believe that he made the decision to place God in his heart, after hearing that my pastor went and talked to him a few days before his passing. My pastor told me that my dad said he wasn't ready to accept God into his heart. I have had friends that have lost a parent and their parents were believers, so obviously they went to heaven and that friend will see that loved one again when they go to heaven. Me on the other hand-I feel like I'll never been reunited with my dad. He is in hell. He is burning every single that I am still living on earth. I sometimes wish that I would have talked to him more about God. To see where he stood. He supported everything I did with Cru, even though sometimes I had to beg him to let me go on a missions trip or an event through Cru, but none the less he gave me the permission to do what I was passionate about. I'll probably never know where my dad is. I can beat myself up about this question that still eats me inside, or I can go on with reality.I know that I can't go back into time and change an opportunity or talk to him more about God, but I can change the heart of my mom and my brother. I can pour into their lives and try to change their hearts. I can't save people, but I can plant that seed in their heart.

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