Heart Break...sleep overs...running...

On the 19th my church had a Single Mother's Luncheon. My mom went to it and honestly said that she liked it. I helped served drinks.  It was a great outreach!!

I had a few more days of subbing but Im done for the summer!  I am babysitting and not making a lot, but you know its okay. I know the Lord will provide for me!

I tried Pen O X or whatever it is for P90X and let me tell you I was sore for like a WEEK!! It was nuts!! I am still running, still doing strength training and I am actually doing the 30 day squat challenge right now. I am actually two days behind at the moment and later in this post Ill tell you why.

I went to a Bachelorette party on the 1st and it was a lot of fun! Dinner and bowling.  The 2nd I went to a grad party.

This week has been a whirl wind of a rough week so to speak.  Monday evening I was leaving my friend's house and Meg had sent me two text messages..and one said that Cj's mom was killed that night. She was riding her motorcycle, following her husband, and a Jeep failed to yield and hit her.  She hit the windshield and died shortly later at the hospital.  I really haven't spoken to CJ this week, but I know that he is definitely hiding his feelings.  I went to the showing last night. The funeral is today at 11.  I know that we aren't dating anymore, but I still care for him. His mom was so incredibly sweet to me and she was a dear lady.  I will definitely miss her hugs and her sweet personality. I have been taking this really hard. And I honestly think it is because I know what it is like to lose a parent.  I really haven't had an appetite all week and basically I eat in front of people so that they know I'm eating and not being all mopey.  Please be praying for CJ and his family.  I really appreciate it.

This weekend I have a baby shower, a grad party and a meeting.  Next week is filled with babysitting :(  and then Thursday/Friday I am going to a camp to help with a retreat.  I am nervous/excited/anxious.

Red Headed crushes...migraines...drama drama for a llama

It's been about a month since I've posted so I guess I should update you all on my life!!!

April 18th-20th I was in IL for a conference Call Original--the theme was Shine! I got set free from my self image issue. I even came home that weekend and DELETED pictures, texts, etc that reminded me of CJ and the relationship we had.  He has moved on, has a new girlfriend, and I honestly don't care about him anymore.  I know the Lord will provide the right man for me when the time is right!!

The Rest of April was filled with babysitting, subbing, running, watching soccer games and church events.

May 4th I was in Cbus for an event with the little kiddos at my church. Heck I even had to DRIVE a church van back from Cbus to Sandtown.  Holla!!!  I felt like a SUPERhero!!!  Maybe a mini-van is in my near future ;) haha  On the 10th I went to my gma's and hung out with her!  Saturday I went to a wedding for a few college friends and it was a lot of fun! I LOVE it when I see friends from college! It seriously makes my heart soooo happy!!!

I have had a migraine since Saturday night :(  if I dont feel better by tonight after youth group, I am going to the ER bc it is seriously so frustrating :/  medicine isnt helping. Ive even had people pray for me.  I am back to barely sleeping again :( I slept from 11pm till 2am this morning.  So far I feel okay, but I guess we will see how the day plays out!!

Okay....so I'm sure you are wondering why I have red headed crushes in my title....well when I was at the wedding on Saturday, I saw an old guy friend from college whom I liked for about a year while I was in Toledo. Well he still lives in Toledo, is single and working full-time with the degree he got(social work) While talking with him, feelings I had for him flooded back into my heart and now I seriously wish I lived in Toledo still so that I could see if this could possibly go anywhere with him.  Please pray for me.  I am praying about it so I guess I will have to see if anything happens.

The rest of the month is filled with babysitting, a single mom's luncheon on Sunday @ my church, subbing on the 21st, grad party on the 26th, possibly seeing my friend Chelsea and her class on the 24th! and another day of subbing on the 30th.

I finally have all the funds I need for Belize for July!! I seriously CAN'T wait to see what the Lord does in my life when I am there in July!!!  A lot of fun things to happen this summer!  Nannying, Cedar Point trips, Belize, a wedding to attend, and maybe friends visiting :)  I hope you all have a great Wednesday!!! God Bless :)

Will someone come rub my back or play with my hair?

Current issues:  I haven't slept very well the past 10 days. Its almost like my body is boycotting sleep or something? I dont know but it is quite annoying.  The little girl I am babysitting today is teething and she is down for her nap till 3. I am praying, crossing my fingers and toes that she naps today because if she doesn't it is going to be a LONG day for me today :/

Hip Hip Hooray!  I dont have to take my Reading Endorsement in the Fall because Ohio decided to change the requirements again.  I am also really PUMPED for this weekend....I am attending a conference in IL this weekend-an all girl conference and I am sooo excited to see what the Lord does in my life this weekend.  I am going to learn to Shine.  I am seeking the Lord's face and I am going to let him do ANYTHING He wants to do in my life.  I have NO expectations for this weekend, but that is good. I am letting chains down and letting him transform me and my walk with Him :)

Nothing yet on the teaching field :/  I am trying to be patient but it is VERY hard.  I just want the job that I went to college for.

There's a Fire in my soul

Feelings: I'm missing dad, college, friends, the warmth from the sun, love.  I have lots of emotions going on this week. I've experienced some 'first' in my life and I honestly don't like it.  I just want to be living the dream the Lord has for me.  It is hard to be in this weird "season" in my life and to not be married, have my career job and to have a baby on the way.

Stressing about: school-OSU I can only take two classes this summer, and then another one in the fall, and the last class I will need is still up in the air when I can take it.  So on TOP of four classes I'll be taking in the fall thru UT, I'll  be also taking one class thru OSU.  2 this summer, 5 in the fall and then one class floating through the air and not sure where it will land :/  UGH the stresses of being an adult.  I also haven't gotten any interviews yet and I just stinking want a teaching job.

Frustrated about: boys, friendships, what i'm suppose to do with my life, my self-esteem, and some other stuff in my life.

Grateful that: I have a part-time nanny job for the summer which will be nice taking 2 classes in a 7 week span.  I am pumped for July 23-30 when I will be in Belize on a mission trip and having an amazing time showing Jesus to this culture.  I love working with the youth group kiddos and even the children's church. I am so glad I get to be a part of these ministries. I am grateful for Elisa and Meg.  Even though they are like 8-10 years older than me, are married and have kiddos, they still spend time with me and pour encouragement and love into me.

Also, I am so stressed out, I have tension in my shoulders and I'm SOOO sore from the stress I have :/  Go away stress!! Sun come out and get WARM so I can run outside!!!

Didn't mean to do that...

I didn't mean to NOT write on here for a month. I have no words. I have been busy.  I honestly feel like noone reads this anymore.  Ive subbed a lot. Ive worked out. Ive been sick. Ive babysat. Ive been to church. Ive visited college friends. Ive applied and been accepted into OSU for 4/5 Generalist Endorsement for the summer. Ive applied and been accepted into UT for the Reading Endorsement for the fall. So that means Im going back to school. O yay. Just what I want is more student loans. And more degrees and certificates and everything else that goes with all this garbage of education system we have going on right now.

God and I are pretty good. Although I can honestly say I am so not sure what my fall is going to look like. I am praying I get a teaching job.  But at the same time, I am scared. Im scared of becoming a first year teacher. To fail. To have things not go the way I want them to. I am scared of being too busy, to feel like I dont have a life or friends or that I do anything fun with my life.  I feel so empty lately.  I feel like since Cj and I's break up, I dont do anything. I just sit at home when Im not subbing and just do nothing with my life. I feel like a failure a lot of the times I look at life.  I want to go far in my life. I still desire to be married and to have a family and Im scared, scared to death that I am NEVER going to get this dream accomplished.  It scares me to death to think that I will die a virgin, alone and never get the desires of my heart.  I just want to finally see something good happen to me for once in my life.  I feel like since dad's death in 09, nothing really has gone the way that I want it to.  I am tired of living at home and feeling that I am a failure of human race.

SNOW DAY

Last Friday I went to a high school basketball game to watch Kyrsten and Kinsey do little cheer buddies!  Saturday I did some house chores and then I hung out with a youth student.  Sunday I went to church, a babyshower and then hung out at home.  Monday I did nothing.  Tuesday I subbed a half day.  Wednesday I went to Axiom.  Yesterday I subbed, babysat and then hung out with the Smelcers afterwards.  Today all the schools in the area have a snowday.  So today I am washing all of my bedding, do more laundry, dishes, maybe do some other cleaning? and just relaxing.  Tomorrow is SATURDAY :) EEK!!  I am PUMPED for a Saturday to do NOTHING.  I do have a thing at 6 tomorrow night but its okay I am excited to go to that.  Sunday is church and then possibly doing something for me.  I dont know yet.

I have been feeling very fat and ugly this week.  Its not really helping me to have friends who are getting engaged or announcing pregnancies but its okay I will keep pushing through. I know that one day I will get my desires of my heart. I just gotta be patient I suppose.

No One Higher

This week has been really tough.  Tough in a sense that I need to trust God for strength. To see each day as a GOOD day and I can't dwell on what has happened to me. I am on a fast till April 1st from boys/love/relationships. I am working on moving on, being romanced by God once again and to be content with being single. But gosh it is a lot harder than I would have ever imagined.

I am trying to find motivation to workout, sleep, eat but alas its really hard to. I dont have much of an appetite or any feeling to do anything lately.  I am just taking things one day at a time though. Its all I can do.