Tuesday, August 30, 2011

6 years ago

6 years ago I started my first day of my last year of high school. I went to school, but my mind was else wear. I found out two of my best friends lost their sister. I also found out that the night before my mom was in a really seriously car accident(she was fine) Cassie was like a sister I never had. I looked up to her. I wanted to be like her. Cassie you were such a beautiful lady. I pray that one day when I get my own classroom, I will be a teacher just like you wanted to be. I pray that one day in heaven I will see you again.

The wedding I went to over the weekend was SO fun. I got to see friends I havent seen in a while and just enjoy being away from home. I barely got any sleep Saturday night and went to church at my friend's Anna and Allen's church where their dad is one of the pastors. I even got homemade food for lunch and it was so delicious :)

I have been running alot lately. I want to run another race. Like a 5k or something. I need to find one soon!! Okay, this may be super weird and I would NEVER imagine myself ever talking about this private issue in my life on my blog, but ever since I started to run more and more, I have noticed that I am lacking my menstrual cycle. I havent had it since June. Is that bad? I also know that I have been SUPER stressed this summer with not finding a job, moving back, PRAXIS, no teaching job, no boyfriend, not a life I thought I would have. I have been eating as healthy as I can this summer and I recently have stopped eating sweets. Pray that soon, very soon I get my menstrual period. I just wish that my life would become normal. HAH I barely know what normal is anymore.

I have another interview next Wednesday. It is with another company to sub in two more school districts. Once I get my licenses in the mail, I will have hopefully 3 school districts to sub in. The Lord has seriously blessed me in this area of my life.

Plans for this week:do more running, read books, help with youth group, bank, babysit on Thursday, possibly going to a football game on Thursday AND Friday evening, visiting my friend and her baby girl Friday morning. No plans for Labor day weekend. Mom and brother work the whole weekend. I believe some of my friends are going camping, but I doubt it I will get invited because I am single and dont have a husband. O well its okay. Hopefully I can find something to do to entertain me during the weekend.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I need to move out

Ever since I became unemployed again I feel like a bum. This week has been very crazy. Let's see.....Last friday I went to MI and heard my friends talk about their trip to Kenya. I was so jealous! I want to go there SOO badly!! Saturday I did nothing, just stayed at home, and then I went over to my youth pastors house and helped his wife get their kids ready for bed. Sunday I went to church, then the church picnic and then babysat that evening. Monday I did nothing. Tuesday I got my PRAXIS score and I PASSED :) Whoo!! I then had an interview and I rocked that thing! Once I get my teaching license mailed to me, got to get them a copy and then Ill get an email saying Im hired!! I then went on a walk/dinner date with my friend. Wednesday I went to Toledo to turn in my papers and then helped with youth group. Thursday I did nothing. Yesterday I helped my mom clean. I HATE cleaning. It was so boring. I wanted to rip my head off because I hated it. I just got home from a run. I have a wedding tonight and then Im actually staying in MI tonight and wont be back home till tomorrow sometime. Im so excited. I seriously NEED to move out. I HATE being back home. My mom works all the time. There is like no food in the house(its all sweets and I am DONE with sweets) I seriously feel so embarrassed to live in her house. I need to move out, make something MY home and stay there. I just need to get a job, get stable income and then move out. I hope to move out soon!! I cant stand to be here anymore. Pray that I get a job SOON so that I can move out and live by myself again

Friday, August 19, 2011

Dont worry...

I didnt fall off the planet!!!

Work it out:
Saturday: Ran
Sunday: nothing
Monday: 5 miles
Tuesday: 1 mile
Wednesday and Thursday: nothing
Today: 1 1/2 miles

Okay so my life this week has been crazy: I went to a bridal shower on Saturday. I went to church, a youth leaders meeting and then hung out with my friend Meg and her kids on Sunday. Monday I babysat for 4 hours, came home, relaxed, ran and went to bed. O and then watched my shows-Secret life of the American Teenager and Degrassi. yes I like to pretend I am 15. OOOO BTW I have an interview on Tuesday, as in on the 23rd at 1:30 PM to try to become a substitute in a school district in my hometown. Please pray for me. I really want to be a sub teacher this school year.
Tuesday I babysat, got home at 7, ran a mile(my legs were sore) and then showered, and watched Teen Mom.
Wednesday I babysat, drove to church, and then came home and went to bed. I was so busy on Wednesday that I didnt eat dinner :(
Okay so yesterday. I got up at 545(the mom wanted me at her house by 815) I drove all the way to Perrysburg, an hour and 10 minutes in my car. I got there and the mom came out said change of plans, asked me for her car seat the house key and gave me my check and told me to leave. I was so shocked/mad/confused. I got back into my car, called my mom and drove all the way back to Sandusky, another hour and 10 minutes. I went to the bank, and then came home. I was still mad. I then called my friend Meg and asked what her kids were doing. I hung out with her girls-had a dance party, got my hair done, got pretend makeover by her 3 yr old boy(it was toys), then went to lunch and the mall with her girls. We then took Kyrsten to the church, Kinsey and I went on an adventure, and then we hung out until 6 when we went to CP till 9. I helped get the kids ready and then helped Meg do some chores until 1130.
Today I ran relaxed read some and now Im doing nothing until 4 when I gotta drive to MI to go to a banquet for some friends. I am pumped about it!! This week I am doing NOTHING. I want plans though!! It is super weird that I am not going back to school this weekend. This is my first time in 18 years that I dont have school to look forward to. I love school and now I miss it.

Good luck to Redsoxwife on her half tomorrow :)

Also go over to Gourmet Runner's blog and enter her sweet giveaway. It involves chocolate :Dhttp://gourmetrunner.blogspot.com/2011/08/chocolate-9-review-and-giveaway.html

Saturday, August 13, 2011

A glass perspective

Work it out:
Thurs: nothing
Fri: 1 mile run, canoeing
Today: 1 mile run(uhh my body was SOO achy I wanted to cry)

Nannying this week wasnt too bad. Wednesday was an ok day. Church Wednesday night was so funny! The youth had a mudpit and did a tug-of-war. It was so gross but at the same time I had totally wished I had gotten to do it!
Thursday I went to dinner with my mom-Hello Panera and then hung out with her. It was fun. I am slowly starting to like being back home. Its still weird. I feel like I always have to tell her where I am going(she makes me) and I have some really weird rules, but its okay. Thursday evening while I was out with my mom, the dad of the family I nanny called me and said he was taking Friday off so I got a 3 day weekend! I was excited, but at the same time I dont get paid until Monday(boo)
I went canoeing with the youth group yesterday. I have NEVER gone canoeing. I went with a girl name Cora and then we had the youth pastors girls for like 15 minutes and then gave them back. Around mile 3(I am totally GUESSING there was NO marks to know the exact mile marks) we got Kyrsten back. At this point, all of the youth kids were SOAKED(the only boy that came him and his canoe partner decided to start FLIPPING canoes) well Cora, Kyrsten and I were doing fine. We then got stuck. Cora was sitting on the back of the canoe behind me and Kyrsten was helping me. Well we got stuck. I decided to go to the middle of the canoe to well try to even out some of the weight in it and I sort of jumped/fell out of the canoe. I could barely stand, and started to move the canoe out of the spot we were stuck it. Pastor Tim and Meg stopped and then Cora got out to help me. I told her to get back in. She did and then we had TROUBLE. Well I had two girls in the canoe and obviously I weight more than both of them combined and wasnt sure how to get back in. Tim told the girls to lean the opposite way of me and then I tried to get in. Well Kyrsten freaked out and I didnt get in. We tried it again, the canoe leaded towards me and I basically used my NONE Existence upper body to pull myself back in. It was quite an adventure. When I got back, one of my high school girls that really looks up to me texted me and asked if I had dinner plans. I didnt so I came home, showered got ready and picked her up. We drove a half an hour to get Red Robin. I was SO glad we did. We got to chat and just really catch up and stuff.
Today I went to a bridal shower and to the library. I check out some more Jodi Picoult books( I am HOOKED!) and I also got Kara Goucher's book since I have heard so MANY amazing things about it on other blogs!!! Im off to read more of the book, and head to bed. Church, youth leader meeting tomorrow, a run and an early bedtime tomorrow to start/finish out my last week of being a nanny to Lily and Jack.
Have a great Saturday!

I almost forgot: I got this book called Lady in Waiting yesterday. It is about waiting and being the One for Mr. Right. I am STOKED!! I also on Thursday, got this 'clicked' feeling when I woke up. I felt beautiful. I felt confidence and just felt like I was okay in my skin for once. I know that I may struggle on and off, but I really do feel okay with how God created me to be. I can see God's beauty in me and it is so exciting!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

But you love me anyway

Friday: week one of Cardio max, swimming
Saturday: swimming
Sunday: swimming, total body
Monday: 2 mile run with my brother
Today: did a workout thing from Cottercrunch :)

I'm really really trying to learn to be who God created me to be. I've really been struggling. I have surrendered it to the Lord. I have read countless books, I have read the verses that are about relationships, and beauty and everything else. I have journaled about it for IDK how many years. I am just so tired of not thinking I'm good enough. I'm tired of being single (3 friends got engaged today, and then 3 more are in relationships). I feel like I am carrying around so much weight, like bricks, and I cant handle it anymore. I wish I had friends here at home. I dont want people to feel pity for me, I just am trying to pour out my heart today. I am really working on knowing deep down in my heart that God really made me the way that I am. That the Lord really is enthralled by my beauty. That the Lord really has created a Godly guy for me, and that in HIS perfect timing I will find him. I just want to be the daughter the Lord has crafted me to be. I want to be a woman of the Lord, just not from the inside but the outside as well. I want to not worry about anything, and just to trust him. I want to have Childlike faith. I want to be real, to not hide behind a mask anymore.


I think I am going to order this book. Can anyone recommend any books for me to read about waiting till God's timing for a relationship, or about my beauty God has given me? I would really really appreciate it.

Also, can anyone suggest any really great Christian/non christian songs that are about beauty? I want to make myself a C.d. and listen to it until I have tears streaming down my face and I am shaking because the truth has finally 'clicked' inside of me.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Grace found me

Work it out:
Tues-3 miles
Wed-nothing(got sonic twice, kill me for all I care)
Today-3 miles

Having this week off from nannying is really making me feel so incredibly bored. I like to be home(no rent or bills) but I have no community here. I have no friends and such. Yesterday I hung out with the youth pastors kids. I took them to get Sonic, went to a bookstore and I got some sunglasses and such. My mom basically got on my case yesterday because I dont have a guy and she thinks I really need to find one.

I have been struggling a little lately with my walk with the Lord. I am still going to church and stuff, but it's been hard to getting into the Word and read. I know that I still have my faith, his love and grace but sometimes I feel like His plan isn't falling into my lap and stuff. I guess Im asking for people to pray for me. I would really love that!!

I really want my hair to be long. I want to be able to braid my hair and wear it really cute.

Im not going to be eating any sweets or junk for 30 days starting today. Can someone keep me accountable and/or want to do this with me? Ill try to post a bible verse everyday!!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Is it seriously August already?

First off I cant believe it is August already. Insane to think that summer is almost gone!!

I dont have to nanny this week. The grandparents are taking them till today and the mom has the next three days off. Mini vaca for me!!

I tried to turn in my stuff to sub in a school district close to me but I need my sub license. Uhh I wish the world would have told me that before I tried to do all of this crap. Now Im sitting here in my room crying because I am frustrated, and yet I know tears wont get me anywhere. I am mailing out stuff to get my transcripts, and hopefully tomorrow I am going to get a TB test. Why does trying to be a sub so much work than it really needs to be? UGH

I havent worked out since lets see a week ago :( I am such a bad person :( I just want to die or chop my nasty flabby stomach off. Im sick of not being okay with how I look. Why bother if I feel like noone really likes me for who I am.

I may stop blogging. I feel like I am just plain boring on here. Im not really fun. Im not entertaining. I just dont want to feel like I am blogging for myself. I just dont know what else to do on here. Im sorry if Im boring, or always venting, but I just want to be real. I want my heart to be seen for who I truly am.