Friday, March 26, 2010

The well is dry

Before my dad passed away I barely cry. I sometimes feel like I am never emotional anymore. I used to cry at the littlest things but now I barely cry when I am sad. This has been bothering me alot lately. I have a friend that lost their father recently, and this new still rips at my heart. I remember going to the funeral home and totally freaking out. I didn't want to be there at all. I was so scared I was going to cry. I didn't want to say anything to him or his sister because I knew how he was feeling. When I found out this news, I wanted to cry. Cry for him, for his sister, for his family but nothing happened. I wanted to cry because I know how he felt but I couldnt. I barely ever cry and it seriously is annoying. I pray daily for the Lord to let me cry but nothing happens. I wonder daily if something is wrong with my tear ducts. Or if when my dad passed away, he took my tears with him. I have not a clue why this has happened to me, but at all I know is that when everything going on around me, my life feels like it wants to just break. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown but nothing ever happens.
For over an hour now I have been listening to this song called Fix You by Coldplay. I was watching a friend's video of the day of her wedding and this was the song playing when everyone walked in. I really wish that sometimes the Lord could fix me, my life, my heart, my emotions. But at the same time I also feel like God has placed this season in my life to grow and mold me. I so want to cry but at the same time I also want to one day be okay and have that joy back in my life. Until then, Im going to pray all the time that I can cry. To break down and grieve the way Jesus grieved for his friends.

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