Sunday, March 28, 2010

Peace in the chaos

I took this picture when I went to Big Break for Spring break the beginning of the month. This picture is so calming. I remember standing outside of the balcony looking at the Gulf of Mexico and thinking of my life the year before. I was so desperate for God to come and touch me that I was doing everything I knew to do. I cried out to God, screamed, journaled, cursed(hence the angryness I had), become depressed. I had so many awful thoughts crawling into my mind that when I was down at Big break the year before, I had the biggest break down I had since everything happened in Feb. I was sitting on the sand at night, while the guys were smoking their sick cigars. I was about 500 feet away from them. I remember sitting on the sand, knowing I was being "watched" by the guys and looking at the moon. It was a full moon that night and I could hear the words of a friend telling me that when I looked at the moon I could remember my daddy. I sat there, in the wind, praying to God. I was also talking to my dad and then it hit me. The loneliness, the anxiety, the dreadfulness I had been holding back for almost a month now. I was crying, streams of tears rolling down my face. I sat there for about 10 minutes and realized I couldn't get myself together. I wanted to go back to my condo and be alone. To have my journal and write down my emotions. I went up to the guys, after I collected myself and remembered I had to have an escort back, and asked for someone to walk me back. But looking at one of the guys made me lose it again. I stood there in a circle with 10 guys and my sweet friend Valerie. I was crying so hard that I almost fell over. I remember being held by one of my guy friends and Mel decided that they needed to pray. All I can remember is that after they prayed, I had a peace in me that I hadn't experienced since the season of grief entered my heart. I was so joyous because I felt the love of God pouring out of my friends onto me. Now I am going to be honest, I have had moments where I wanted daddy back in my life. To experience his presence just once more, but then reality kicks me and tells me that its my norm anymore. My norm is a 3 person family and the head of the house isn't there anymore. I have to daily remind myself that God is my father, even if I don't want to admit it. I have to daily pick up my cross and know that God is bigger than the world. He is there with me in this storm. I haven't cried like that since then, but I keep praying that sometime I break down and let it all out. Until then, I must clearly ask for peace. Peace to see the plan God has for me. Peace to make it through the day. Peace to know that I will eventually be okay and the joy I experienced once in my life will come back. Peace to see the normal life and to know its quite alright to move on and see the sun shining. Calmness will come and go, the tears and pain will hit me for the rest of my life, but the season of grief I have been going through since January, is going to get me to a place where I can know that the plan I never saw coming is the one God had in store for me. That even though I don't have my earthly father, I have a heavenly father. Peace is calling my name.

1 comment:

Tiffanyann said...

Aww girl, you're so beautiful!