Friday, April 2, 2010

Feeling the pain more than ever

I've decided that I hate the 2nd and 5ths of every month. They bring the pain back. The heartache comes crashing back into my body and I feel like I'm reliving every moment of that awful week. I honestly feel like I am NEVER going to like holidays again. All I want more than ever is daddy. My heart aches for him. To be here to celebrate something that everyone else in the world is joyous over. Sometimes I wish if I will forever feel broken. I am not sue what to do sometimes. Being home makes the pain become more real. I am kind of glad I won't be home this summer. Driving out a highway and then running through my neighborhood brought back all of the memories of last summer. It sure was an awful summer. I had to learn to get grace from God. To rely on Him for everything. I had to learn to battle through the rough days. I would hate the days when I would be at work and I would just start crying in position while I was guarding water. Sometimes I would not even tell anyone. I ha ted that I felt like I had special treatment from them. I know that I am healing and I am learning to be okay after a 1 yr and 2 months, even if I sometimes feelike I am walking through the darkness of a forest with no flashlight.

This song is my comfort while I am sitting in my mom's house all alone....'None But Jesus' By HillSong. "In the chaos, in confusion I know you're Sovereign still in the moment of my weakness you give me grace to do your will"

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