Monday, April 5, 2010

In my Weakness, I find His Glory

Growing up, I was such a daddy's girl. Like I was so close to my dad, that sometimes I would cry my freshman year of college because I wasn't home with my dad. I would beg him to come see before he would leave Toledo to go home to Sandusky after a full day of being with high school students teaching them the world of SCIENCE. Without him in my life for the past 1 year 2 months and 2 days has made me realize that I have a gap in my life. A HUGE empty gap. My mom tries to fill that gap, and honestly she will NEVER fill the gap. No one can fill that gap. School, friends, relationships, exercise-nothing will replenish the gap in my life that has such a void in it. If you're ever lost someone close to you, you must understand this gap I have and will forever have in my life. I know that God needs to be my heavenly father, but sometimes I cringe at calling him that. Knowing that I don't have someone to legit call dad makes me not even want to call heavenly father dad. This word eats at me a lot. Lately, I have been pondering the whole life season I've been going through. I know that his glory and grace has guided me through this. I remember being at the funeral home the day of the showing. I remember NOT wanting to go. I didn't want to say goodbye. I went up to the coffin and bawled my eyes out. Not a single family member hugged me or comforted me. My brother's best friends dad, who was the pastor who journeyed through this season with us, came up and gave me the biggest hug ever. I remember feeling like I was flowing the whole time I was in the funeral home. Shoot, I took my shoes off and placed them under my grandpa's seat. I didn't shed a single tear the whole time people were there. I cried maybe three times the whole time I was home for everything. Twice at the funeral home and then the Wednesday night I went to church and sat in with the youth group. During worship I bawled my eyes out while my friend Beth comforted me tears streaming down her face. Friends comfort me all the time, well at least they try to. I sometimes wish I had a better way to face my fear and struggles of this. I know my grief will become less and less as time goes on. Sometimes I wish that my dad was here to give me one more hug, to call me his 'morning glory' one more time. I miss him dearly, but with the grace of God, I will have the strength, confidence and love to get through every moment. Even when my mom wants to 'fill' the gap, I know deep down my heart, it never will be filled. That gap will forever be there, but God's blanket of love will 'cover' the gap and let me see the trials and sorrows within it to show me the plan He made for me.

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