Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Past is History

I went to Spring Getaway this weekend. Today, the speaker was talking about how sometimes the past controls you and you need to let it go. I have really struggled with where my dad is. I wonder daily where he is-heaven or hell. It bothers me because I wish I had more time so I could have told him more about Jesus, to share the Gospel with him. I also realize that if I had more time, I wouldn't be where I am today with my relationship with God. I can't let guys not liking me break my heart and my self-esteem. I need to let go of all of that, so that I can move on with life and see myself as beautiful. I desire so much to be skinny and gorgeous, but at the same time, I know that if I let go of this struggle, I'm not sure what I'll do if I feel so FREE and knowing my life is truly surrendered to the Lord. I'm struggling with that lately. I am wanting to move on and let my life experience emotions I had in my life before my dad passed or even before I started to struggle with body-image.
In 37 days, I'll be in my car driving to NJ with my stuff to go spend 11 weeks on a beach, growing so passionately in love with the Lord and having the best summer ever. I am anxious to meet everyone that is going and to see what all the Lord has in store for me, but at the same time I'm scared to death. I wonder if I'll compare myself to the other girls, or if no one likes me? What if I cry every time I tell my Real Life Story? What if I get home sick or start to ache for my friends back at home? What if something tragic happens while I'm there? What if I get really sick, who will take care of me? Who will be there to hold my hand when my life is crashing down or I just need that love and support I've had the past few summers? Not sure what to think of with these questions. I'm really not sure I'm actually ready to experience this summer away from home, in a state I've been to once, and to live with 34 other people I don't know that are from so many different states.

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