Last night when I was trying to sleep, I started to freak out. My heart was pounding and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. I get them sometimes when I miss my dad. I ended up laying on the futon last night in the living room. I stared at the cherry oak box where my dad's ashes are at for hours. I honestly don't remember what time I felt asleep. All I know is that I crave for his hugs. They weren't like friend hugs. They were the perfect hug. I also felt protected and safe when I got a hug from him. Especially since I was over a foot shorter than dad. I miss his hugs. Alot.
I'm scared. Very scared for project. I am worried that I will cry all the time. I have realized that I have never really grieved. I want to grieve, but o boy I don't want to let go of him. I am worried that when I grieve I will forget him, everything about him. I am also worried that I will die like my dad. Of cancer and other health issues that he had. I know it is probably dumb I freak out over the dumbest things, but sometimes it consumes my thoughts. I surrender it all to the Lord, but then sometimes I feel like it eats at me. Makes me so sad and makes me realize that I am fatherless and noone is there to be that father to me. O lord, give me comfort and your love. I need you more than anything.