Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Pain in my heart

Last night when I was trying to sleep, I started to freak out. My heart was pounding and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. I get them sometimes when I miss my dad. I ended up laying on the futon last night in the living room. I stared at the cherry oak box where my dad's ashes are at for hours. I honestly don't remember what time I felt asleep. All I know is that I crave for his hugs. They weren't like friend hugs. They were the perfect hug. I also felt protected and safe when I got a hug from him. Especially since I was over a foot shorter than dad. I miss his hugs. Alot.

I'm scared. Very scared for project. I am worried that I will cry all the time. I have realized that I have never really grieved. I want to grieve, but o boy I don't want to let go of him. I am worried that when I grieve I will forget him, everything about him. I am also worried that I will die like my dad. Of cancer and other health issues that he had. I know it is probably dumb I freak out over the dumbest things, but sometimes it consumes my thoughts. I surrender it all to the Lord, but then sometimes I feel like it eats at me. Makes me so sad and makes me realize that I am fatherless and noone is there to be that father to me. O lord, give me comfort and your love. I need you more than anything.

1 comment:

Angel said...

Allie-you will never be able to forget your dad. Grieving is about letting go of the hurt from him not being here anymore. And in the process, you can remember all of the great times you shared together. My grandpa (who was like my dad) passed away 6 years ago. When I think about it, it seems like he is still just on a vacation and he'll be coming home soon. Then I remember he is in such a better place now where there is no suffering! How wonderful! Try to write about your memories with him, that way you'll have them forever :) I love you!