Didn't mean to do that...

I didn't mean to NOT write on here for a month. I have no words. I have been busy.  I honestly feel like noone reads this anymore.  Ive subbed a lot. Ive worked out. Ive been sick. Ive babysat. Ive been to church. Ive visited college friends. Ive applied and been accepted into OSU for 4/5 Generalist Endorsement for the summer. Ive applied and been accepted into UT for the Reading Endorsement for the fall. So that means Im going back to school. O yay. Just what I want is more student loans. And more degrees and certificates and everything else that goes with all this garbage of education system we have going on right now.

God and I are pretty good. Although I can honestly say I am so not sure what my fall is going to look like. I am praying I get a teaching job.  But at the same time, I am scared. Im scared of becoming a first year teacher. To fail. To have things not go the way I want them to. I am scared of being too busy, to feel like I dont have a life or friends or that I do anything fun with my life.  I feel so empty lately.  I feel like since Cj and I's break up, I dont do anything. I just sit at home when Im not subbing and just do nothing with my life. I feel like a failure a lot of the times I look at life.  I want to go far in my life. I still desire to be married and to have a family and Im scared, scared to death that I am NEVER going to get this dream accomplished.  It scares me to death to think that I will die a virgin, alone and never get the desires of my heart.  I just want to finally see something good happen to me for once in my life.  I feel like since dad's death in 09, nothing really has gone the way that I want it to.  I am tired of living at home and feeling that I am a failure of human race.

SNOW DAY

Last Friday I went to a high school basketball game to watch Kyrsten and Kinsey do little cheer buddies!  Saturday I did some house chores and then I hung out with a youth student.  Sunday I went to church, a babyshower and then hung out at home.  Monday I did nothing.  Tuesday I subbed a half day.  Wednesday I went to Axiom.  Yesterday I subbed, babysat and then hung out with the Smelcers afterwards.  Today all the schools in the area have a snowday.  So today I am washing all of my bedding, do more laundry, dishes, maybe do some other cleaning? and just relaxing.  Tomorrow is SATURDAY :) EEK!!  I am PUMPED for a Saturday to do NOTHING.  I do have a thing at 6 tomorrow night but its okay I am excited to go to that.  Sunday is church and then possibly doing something for me.  I dont know yet.

I have been feeling very fat and ugly this week.  Its not really helping me to have friends who are getting engaged or announcing pregnancies but its okay I will keep pushing through. I know that one day I will get my desires of my heart. I just gotta be patient I suppose.

No One Higher

This week has been really tough.  Tough in a sense that I need to trust God for strength. To see each day as a GOOD day and I can't dwell on what has happened to me. I am on a fast till April 1st from boys/love/relationships. I am working on moving on, being romanced by God once again and to be content with being single. But gosh it is a lot harder than I would have ever imagined.

I am trying to find motivation to workout, sleep, eat but alas its really hard to. I dont have much of an appetite or any feeling to do anything lately.  I am just taking things one day at a time though. Its all I can do.

Chin up BUTTERCUP

Last Wednesday CJ broke things off between us. I am still trying to wrap my head around everything and its been a week now.  He said it is a break and wasn't sure how long the break will be.  I've never been broken up with before. I mean HELLO first time that I was in a relationship but sheesh I mean I am still trying to piece things together over here.

Ummm snow I think you NEED to give us a SNOWDAY. This week I will have four days of subbing. Dont get me wrong I am SOOO grateful for the Lord providing all this for me but I mean I just need some DOWN TIME I need to catch my breathe!!!

I am looking for teaching jobs like CRAZY and right now I haven't heard anything.  I am just soooo ready for my own classroom and I am trying to be so incredibly patient but I mean HELLO I am ready for this next step in my life.

I need a hobby....something that I can make a little bit of cash or something.  I am just needing something to focus my mind on...you know?

Ho Hum

This week is awful....Saturday will be 4 years since my dad died....I started taking Birth Control last week to help regulate my cycle(its been insane since my dad died) and its been making me feel like crap :(  This week my sleep schedule has also gone down the drain. My boyfriend texted me last night that we need to talk about us today....which I dont think will end well so I am sure that I will be in tears for a while and Im sure I will stop eating sleeping and working out because I have a feeling that CJ is going to break my heart tonight and Im not sure how well I am going to take it :(

So I need prayer, encouragement, love, a friend....anything right now would really be appreciated.

Trust

I'm trusting that the Lord will one day provide for me my own classroom, my own students, walls, a place to share laughter, learning, smiles, love and joy.
I'm trusting the Lord will one day provide for me a husband. A guy who has the Lord first in his heart. He knows values and will work hard to show me love, joy, and to be there for me and our future together.
I'm trusting the Lord that one day I will experience a father's love once again. It does hard some days when I miss my earthly father and all that I want is love from my dad, to cuddle, to kiss him, get a hug, talk and it is bringing back lots of pain and heartache to me right now while typing this. I am hoping that wherever my father may be that I am making him proud.  That's all I want to do. Is to make my daddy proud of who I am becoming.

End of the Year Survey

I havent showered or worked out yet today. Ive made this:http://www.bunsinmyoven.com/2012/04/15/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-dip/     for tonight and at twelve I am going to make my meatballs for tonight.  I am so excited to go hang out with my friends tonight for NYE.  I am SUPER bummed though that I dont get to spend the evening with my boyfriend :(  It definitely kind of sucks but o well.

I got this survey off my friends blog and so I decided to do it as well :)

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?

I worked at a daycare, got a BOYFRIEND, went night sledding, made a cheesecake, did the Daniel Fast, chaperoned 4 youth events, ran a half marathon!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did want to stop eating sugar but that didnt happen.  I will more than likely make one to lose weight and tone up but we will see.  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friends Whitney, Leah, Jen, Katie...I could keep going but the list would be INSANE!!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank god.

5. What countries did you visit?

I stayed in the great ol' USA

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Full time teaching job. An engagement ring. A bigger trust in God. 

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 8th....the day CJ and I started dating.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Running a half marathon!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not really sure

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Other than colds nope

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I really havent bought anything cool for myself in a long time :/

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not a clue

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Election, CT shooting

14. Where did most of your money go?
Loans, a couple I support for CRU, and little kiddos

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Running a half marathon, seeing God bringing a guy into my life, the youth kids and their relationship with God.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
A few worship songs I suppose.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? I think about the same, maybe more muscle though
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Been healthier, stronger, thinner, paid off more of my student loans

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Being down on myself. Complaining about stupid stuff and trying to not be so down about myself and life

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it with my mom, grandma and brother at my mom's house.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?

Yes I did :) and I hope I dont fall out of love with CJ ever.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Greys Anatomy, Parenthood, Big Bang Theory, Last Man Standing, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Teen Mom One and Two...I think that is it.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Not really

25. What was the best book you read?

Hunger Games and prolly a few of the Karen Kingsbury books I read as well

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

None

27. What did you want and get?

A boyfriend. Clothes. Purse

28. What did you want and not get?

Teaching Job. Skinny stomach. Ring

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Not really sure

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned the BIG 25 on Dec. 4th. I went to lunch with my mom and then went and watched CJ play dartball that night

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I hadn't complained and not made an effort to find more schools hiring or even get a thin sexy body I want

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Its whatever...except I did discover Old Navy clothes look really good on me so oops!

33. What kept you sane?

God

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Not sure

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Election Year. Fiscal Issue. and lots of other things I suppose that I really didnt pay attention to

36. Who did you miss?

Dad

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Olivia from the daycare I worked at this summer

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
To trust God and to know that He will provide for your every need.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Dont have one and my computer is about to die so no time to look for one!