Saturday, April 16, 2011


I cant sleep. There is a huge storm going on outside of my window. The wind is brutal. The rain is slapping my windows. My apartment is making creaky noises and needless to say on my day to sleep in, I get woken up at 5:57 and can't go back to sleep.
So I decide to blog. I am sure no one is going to read this. I just need to vent to get something off my shoulders--I miss dad so much I wanted to cry myself to sleep, but didn't. I wanted to cry for the rest of my life, but that didn't happen. I cant believe in 22 days I have to graduate without my daddy, my best friend, and it hurts. It hurts that one day(I hope soon) I meet the guy God has for me, and then we get engaged. My dad won't be there to meet, to say that the guy can have my hand in marriage, and then be there to walk me down that aisle. Whenever my wedding day is, it is going to be THE hardest day ever in my life. I dont even want to think about it because deep down inside I feel like it's never going to happen and I want it to---SOON.
I can't seem to think of myself as beautiful. I see a fat ugly beast who cant be skinny or anything beautiful in that sort of nature. I am wanting to make myself throw up, to deprive myself of certain foods, and just run and run this whole summer while looking for a job of course. I know God made me and that I am his, but o man it is so hard to love myself and then I think inside of my head--this is why noone likes me bc I dont like myself because i dont love myself and then I get depressed and want to just chop all the fat off my me and then someone would like me after that and I would like myself. Why do I believe lies, believe society, believe whatever the stupid devil tells me? O wait, because I am that stupid person who listens to those lies, those little voices, and all the ways Society tells you MUST be the truth and the God's truth or Word.
I need a good book to read while I try to burn 1 million calories.

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